Breaking Point
by Nocturnalux
Summary: Izaya suffers a complete mental breakdown and Shinra calls Shizuo to help. Shizuo is horrified but little by little becomes very attached and dedicated to taking care of him. Very dark fic with a strong psychological bent. Shizuo/Izaya
1. Chapter 1

**Pairing:** Shizuo/Izaya

**Prompt:** Something pretty fucked up happened to Izaya and due to that, something's _wrong_ with him (more than usual, that is).  
>Lots of people know about it but Izaya, being his slightly psychotic self, doesn't really realize he's gone and cracked a little more than usual. (Unintentionalunnoticed self harming tendencies on Izaya's side?)

* * *

><p>It was very late at night. Only the artificial lights of garish neon warded of the deep darkness that was not yet on the edges of dawn. An insidious red glow invaded Shinra's office and gave him an uneasy feeling. There were times when he resented not having a license and being forced to work in shady places opposite of illegal casinos, strip joints and brothels. This was such a time. These last hours of the night often felt warped to him. It was of course highly unscientific of him and if asked under the sun Shinra would laugh off such superstitious of silly. But tonight something was perhaps more amiss than usual.<br>Shinra had little paperwork to handle, that was one of the advantages of working outside the law, so he was on his way out when a knock at the window pane startled him considerably. Framed by the crimson neon was a creature born from the many distortions of the city. For a split second Shinra had the clear impression that this was what Izaya truly was and he almost spun on his heels to flee from the smiling lunacy behind the glass. But before he could do anything to that effect Izaya had smashed the window with his bare fist and was already making his way through the hole of bleak night and into the room without as much as batting an eyelash. Even though they were on the 10th floor.  
>"Hello, Shinra. Long time no see. So this is your hospital now? Not too bad, I must say. Not too bad at all."<br>Shinra was afraid despite himself. Over the years he had learnt how to handle what he termed Izaya's functional madness but rumors had reached him that the precarious balance between sharp intelligence and intelligence had finally come undone.  
>"How have you been doing, Izaya? And next time take the elevator."<br>"Same old. You know how it goes, people to see, places to go, people to kill, places to mess up."  
>Izaya stepped on broken glass as he made a tour of the office. His hand was bloody from hitting the window but if he noticed it he paid it no heed whatsoever.<br>"Why don't you let me bandage that up for you?"  
>"Oh? Just like the good old days?"<br>Izaya produced his switchblade and immediately the razor was out with one fluid motion. The predator-like instincts that Shinra knew Izaya to possess retained all of their danger but were somewhat off kilter, as if calibrated to a broken scale.  
>"Just put down the knife and let's talk, okay?"<br>Izaya narrowed his eyes, for a moment it seemed as if he was preparing an attack from which Shinra knew that he could not escape. Then just as sudden as he had sprang into menace Izaya threw himself on a nearby armchair and proceeded to toss the blade into the air- it twirled a few times, reflecting shards of reddish glints- catching it only to toss it again. Shinra was almost hypnotized by the swirling motion.  
>The spell was broken when Izaya closed his hand over the switchblade as it descended. Blood gushed freely and trickled to the floor. The tangy scent of metal was heavy upon the air and not even the wind that flitted through the broken window could disperse it. Izaya stared at nothing in particular. A great silence descended. Izaya was too shocked for words but he willed himself to speak nonetheless.<br>"Izaya, just what happened to you?"  
>"Say, Shinra…those good old days were not half bad, were they?"<br>As one immersed in a dream Izaya increased the grip on the biting lip of the blade so that it bit into his flesh freely. Shinra approached him cautiously, his pulse beating wildly on his ears.  
>"Drop the knife, please. Something's wrong but this isn't going to solve-"<br>"'Wrong'? Nothing's wrong."  
>Both of Izaya's hands were smeared with blood. He eased his grip and the blade fell to reveal a gashing cut. Izaya glanced at his wounds with little interest.<br>"I wonder what Shizu-chan is doing now. I don't suppose you'd know, Shinra?"  
>While Izaya rambled Shinra slipped a tranquilizer shot into a pocket.<br>"Tell you what, how about I go get him?"  
>Izaya nodded calmly. As if he was not bleeding. Shinra knew that this was his opportunity and he closed the space between them and gave him the shot without even removing the syringe from his pocket. It was the kind of thing certified doctors would not do for fear of liabilities but Shinra had no qualms about it.<p> 


	2. Chapter 2

After all he could not afford such niceties. Not in his world where health regulations were mere general guidelines. Every now and then his alcohol came from whiskey bottles. Shinra waited until Izaya was swept away into induced sleep before he disinfected and bandaged his wounded hands. It was so much like the good old days but utterly different. Distorted, even. Tending to unconscious patients was routine to him but not when they were friends. Shinra adjusted his glasses and took a deep breath before calling Celty over. He needed her to make sure that Izaya did no more harm to himself.  
>Seeing her reassured him. Shinra headed for Shizuo's place after repeatedly calling him on the phone to no avail. He knocked a few times then rang the doorbell then called out. At length he heard heavy steps and then the door slammed open, barely missing him.<br>"Shinra? What the devil you want? Do you know what time it is?"  
>Shizuo popped a disheveled bit of blonde hair through the threshold and stood rubbing his eyes.<br>"Around 4 or so. But it's an emergency."  
>"Huh? Need me to beat up someone for you?"<br>Shizuo was already putting on some clothes.  
>"No, it's Izaya-"<br>"Oh. _Him_. What did he do now?"  
>Shizuo glowered. His voice thickened with anger.<br>"He's not well. Haven't you heard rumors about it?"  
>"That he's off his rocker? Nothing new there. Izaya has always been that way."<br>"Shizuo, this is different. Could you come with me, please?"  
>"Want me to beat some sense into that jerk? 'Cause I've tried that and it didn't do squat."<br>Shinra could feel dull throbbing pain in his temples. It would soon escalate into a migraine.  
>"No, it's not like that. Just come with me. Izaya asked to see you and-"<br>Shizuo snorted.  
>"Yeah, right. It's a trick. He's just waiting for me to lower my guard and then he'll slit my throat."<br>"He won't do that. I've confiscated his switchblade. Shizuo, _please_ come with me."  
>This seemed to get through the innate stubbornness.<br>"You managed to get the blade from him? That's a good idea but why did you do that? Not to mention how."  
>The curious enquiry annoyed Shinra. It had been a very long day now prolonged into a nightmarish night and he had his limit.<br>"Never mind that. I'll tell you what little I do know when we get back. Let's just go now."  
>Shizuo was done dressing, more or less at least, and mumbled as he followed Shinra.<br>"Okay, heard you already. But I'll warn you, I may just end up beating him up anyway.  
>"Trust me…you won't."<p>

"I-za-ya-kun! I need to thank you for ruining my sleep. And while I'm at it-"  
>"Please keep your voice down. This is a hospital of sorts and you can't just bellow like you're at a fair."<br>Shinra led Shizuo to a private room in the basement. No amount of warning seemed to at all get Shizuo to drop his attitude and by now Shinra was very tired indeed. His budding migraine was blooming despite the succor of aspirin. He stopped before a door and tried one last appeal.  
>"Shizuo, I'm asking you to please be on your best behavior. I'm a doctor, license or not, and it's my duty at least not to do harm to my patients. So I must insist that you don't act confrontational."<br>Shizuo shrugged.  
>"You're terribly serious. That's unlike you."<br>"I have reasons to be."  
>And with this he opened the door and entered the tiny white room. It was mostly bare so that Izaya- lying on a bed and kept there by thick straps- stood out immediately. Shizuo opened his mouth to add an insult but closed it without a sound. A screen beeped with a steady pulse of green lights that washed over everything. Shinra busied himself checking the machine then tinkered with the IV drip that was attached to a scrawny arm.<br>Shizuo almost did not recognize the slumbering boy. That was how he appeared in this blank state of silent vulnerability. Years had uncoiled from his frame, leaving him very frail and tiny. Shizuo had never realized just how small Izaya truly was. His hands were enveloped in white gauze delicately drawn over his fingers. Shizuo stared in mute horror that expanded like a physical thing inside his chest.


	3. Chapter 3

Shinra moved on to confer something with Celty who made her presence very scarce, instinctively realizing that her place was to provide support. Shizuo had to clear his throat before speaking again.  
>"What- just what happened to him?"<br>"I'm not sure either. I do know he suffers from malnutrition, probably hasn't had a decent meal in days. He's sedated now."  
>Shizuo felt mildly nauseous.<br>"His hands, who did that?"  
>"All his wounds are self inflicted from what I could tell. He has quite a few cuts all over his body. Most of them are superficial but the more recent ones are deeper."<br>There was too much white. Skin bordered on sheets and on bandages with hardly any change in gradient. The straps stood out like solid restrains akin to cage bars sewed shut over a wingless bird.  
>"He did it himself? That's just…"<br>"Not all that uncommon in some borderline cases. It's a condition that tends to manifest itself first during adolescence."  
>Shinra was in doctor mode as he checked a chart and cast his medical flashlight into Izaya's eyes that he had to pry open.<br>"But…"  
>"I ran a STD kit and it turned out negative."<br>Shizuo wanted to look away. More, he wanted to simply leave and put this whole experience behind him by putting as much distance between himself and the human wreckage stranded on the bed. The unconscious figure could make no appeal to keep him here but that itself was already a plea that Shizuo felt keenly. Vacant pain.  
>"You suspected rape?"<br>"I'm just covering all bases as much as I can. I'm not a psychiatrist but I do know that there is nothing very serious as far as physical concerns go. There's no infection and he should recover from his wounds and I have him on an IV. But what's going on in his mind is a whole different matter."  
>Shizuo felt as if the very weight of the air itself could at any moment crush Izaya.<br>"But he's going to get better, right? He'll go back to normal?"  
>Shinra jutted down some figures on his chart.<br>"We can never tell with these cases. Only time will tell."  
>"Can I- can I talk to him?"<br>"You can but he won't hear you. He might not even hear you if he were awake. Izaya is in a very bad place at the moment."  
>Shizuo took one of the few seats and placed it by the bed. He sat hunched over, elbows firmly planted on his legs, chin propped on his laced hands. As a man willing to endure a long wait.<br>"I fixed you a mattress on the backroom. He'll be out for a few more hours, I expect him to come around midday or so."  
>"Thanks. And thanks for letting me know."<br>"You may end up cursing me for that."

There were broken pieces spiraling in the darkness. Each of them hacked at the continuum of his thoughts and diverted them into a void of static. The memory of blood persisted in a red echo. Izaya clawed at chaos but it was enmeshed in the fabric of his being. White light burst upon him. He blinked the pain away. Words receded into grey fuzz and were shuffled away from his awareness.  
>Izaya could not quite recall where he was or how he got here. Restrains held him on his back and something was attached to his arm. He was tired and without his switchblade. A groggy confusion dragged him down. At least he could move his head which he did now only to find Heiwajima Shizuo sleeping on a chair. It was undoubtedly unorthodox but one had to roll with the punches. For the time being Izaya chose to ignore the blurred danger strained at the edges of his mind.<br>"Shizu-chan! Oh Shizu-chan! Will you be so kind as to untie me? Unless you're in for some kinky stuff…"  
>Izaya smiled. Something was off but he dismissed it. Vaguely he perceived that his survival depended on how well he bypassed a certain looping sense of being amiss. Shizuo woke up immediately and was on his feet right away.<br>"How do you feel? Anything hurt?"  
>"So caring, Shizu-chan. Surely the world is about to end soon."<br>"I'll go get Shinra, just wait a sec."  
>"Just untie me and give me back my knife."<br>"I can't do that."  
>"Say what? I'm not a happy camper, Shizu-chan. I must tell you that."<p> 


	4. Chapter 4

"Good morning, Izaya-kun. How are we today?"  
>Shinra smiled reassuringly as he made his appearance, as discreet as ever. Izaya narrowed his eyes on him.<br>"'We' would be just fine if 'we' weren't tied down like this. So drop the 'we' talk. I thought only nurses did that anyway. You'd make a great naughty nurse, though."  
>Shinra was nonplussed and merely nodded.<br>"I see that you seem to be doing just fine. Lunch will be ready soon but first why don't you tell us how you got those cuts."  
>Izaya stared past him.<br>"I have no clue of what you're talking about."  
>"It's alright, let's just keep you here for observation."<br>It was not a conscious decision but Shizuo receded to the background as soon as Shinra arrived. He did not know how handle the burden of interacting with Izaya on his own. As strong as Shizuo was he was all too aware that he was using Shinra, short and boyish Shinra, as a shield of sorts. His respect for the doctor was growing fast.  
>"Shinra-sensei, if you do let me go right now you will match your girlfriend in lacking a head. How does that sound?"<br>"Ah, yes. But let me change your bandages first."  
>Shizuo placed himself between Shinra and the brewing violence he sensed irradiating from Izaya. Instinct alerted him more than anything else. Izaya cackled.<br>"So you got muscle head here to act as your bodyguard?"  
>"Shinra is trying to help you, show some gratitude."<br>Izaya made a display of pretending to consider this.  
>"Oh? Is that so? Where would I be without my dear friends! No wait, I'd actually be free instead of- no wait, I see what's going on here. Need an organ donor and I'm the pick of the day? And these cuts, was that practice?"<br>Shinra merely adjusted his glasses.  
>"I thought you didn't know about any cuts."<br>A slow pattern of blood spread over frayed gauze. Izaya balled his hands into fists with enough strain to dig his nails into already weakened skin. His voice dropped to a low predatory tone filled with vicious intent.  
>"Don't try to mind fuck me, Shinra. No one mind fucks me."<br>"I'm not trying to confuse you. But Izaya, can you tell me how you got here?"  
>Izaya stared at him unfalteringly.<br>"I don't remember. You've drugged me."  
>"I gave you a tranquilizer because you were hurting yourself."<br>"My head hurts. Just shut up."  
>Shinra's attitude changed gears from his mild soft ways to a confrontational sharpness.<br>"You need to hear this. Those wounds, you did that yourself."  
>"Shut up. Shut up. Shut up."<br>It was a litany circling unto itself as if to avoid the many gaps through which chaos was made visible. Izaya shook his head repeatedly.  
>"I won't shut up. Izaya, you are sick. You're out of control and need help. That's why you're here-"<br>"Shut up. Shut up. Shut up. Shut up."  
>Shizuo could not take any more of this. He shook Izaya by the shoulders and tried to establish eye contact.<br>"Snap out of it already! What is wrong with you!"  
>Izaya shifted his gaze to Shizuo. His focus was off. Everything was off.<br>"Shizu-chan…? Don't let him hurt me. Shizu-chan, please. He's going to cut me open and- and- you'll protect me, right?"  
>The naked plea made cold sweat break all over Shizuo's body and paralyzed him. It was far too pathetic and because of that it disarmed him completely. From a distance Shinra paid close attention, wisely stepping out of the scene for educational purposes.<br>"You're afraid of Shinra? He wouldn't hurt a fly."  
>Shizuo glanced at Shinra for confirmation as he made as if to undo the straps. A nod was his only reply.<br>"Not Shinra- they."  
>Shizuo unbuckled the leather constrains and helped Izaya sit.<br>"Who's 'they'?"  
>Izaya looked around as if he expected an ambush to spring from the very walls. His hands clenched and unclenched in a panicky rhythm. Then he brought them to his head, rubbing bloody bandaged fingertips on his temples.<br>"My head hurts."  
>Shizuo sat in bed with him. The white hospital gown clung to Izaya's body precariously as if it was too big for the battered body it contained. Shizuo could see bandages crisscrossed underneath it, covering his heaving chest.<p> 


	5. Chapter 5

"Do you want an aspirin or something?"  
>Izaya shook his head.<br>"No, no drugs. Shizu-chan, you know, I'm a bit confused. Did you finally hit me with a vending machine?"  
>A lame attempt at camouflaging the widening breach between the Orihara Izaya that Shizuo knew and this fragile creature that now leant against him as if to borrow a sense of security. There was almost a hint of hope in the question.<br>"Izaya, you'll be fine. Just trust me and Shinra. Okay?"  
>All that he had to offer amounted to such platitudes. Izaya nodded as if this answered the gaping doubts that were beginning to unwind within him. He wrapped his arms around himself, trying to ward off danger and making himself smaller as if to hide from hungry beasts that hunted him just where he could not quite see them, that lived in the blind spots that seemed to multiply with each breath he took.<br>"Okay. If you say so, Shizu-chan. But if it gets any worse, please kill me. Because- I-"  
>Tears interrupted him mid speech. Izaya spoke numbly as if reading off a prompt that suddenly ran out before making the point. Shizuo had to force himself not to slap him hard across the face. He wanted Izaya back, annoying snarky Izaya, the Izaya that he hated and not this pitiful little boy that trembled under the pressure of a great fear.<br>"Don't say such stupid things. Izaya!"  
>"Why are you shouting at me? My head hurts. I'm just a little confused, that's all- you're always so mean to me."<br>The petty whining was not in synch, if anything it was random but it still tugged at Shizuo and added guilt to the painful mesh of emotions that oppressed him. He realized that never had he seen Izaya cry before.  
>"Sorry…"<br>A loud burst of giggles stunned Shizuo to the point of making him stare in sick dread. Izaya laughed his typically cruel laughter that always edged close to hysteria and kept on laughing until he crossed that border. The sound resounded loudly like chains rattling against iron bars. Shizuo broke out in goose bumps.  
>"Heh, oh Shizu-chan, you fell for that- my oh my."<br>A cloud was thinning out before Izaya and he sensed edges surfacing through the fog. A formless need to cover his tracks seized him and ran with his uncontrollable mirth. Shizuo could only watch. Then suddenly Izaya was no longer crying but sobbing silently, rocking back forth, his face hidden in his hands. Choked bits of sound escaped from him like words unstrung of their meaning.  
>Shizuo held him and pulled him into an awkward hug. Nothing else occurred to him.<br>"Shizu-chan- I'm afraid- you won't leave, right? You'll stay with me?"  
>Desperation rang clearly.<br>"Yeah, I'm staying here. Don't worry. It'll be fine. Shinra will fix you up. And I'll help you."  
>Izaya grew very quiet.<br>"I don't know if you can help. I think- I think that I'm losing my mind."  
>There was just enough sanity to be aware of the shadows gathering momentum and sharpening claws. Shizuo's throat was terribly dry. He could feel Izaya relaxing, the tension that plagued his muscles giving way and he added as an afterthought of sorts,<br>"Celty is lucky, she doesn't get headaches. I have a horrible migraine. Maybe I'll stop burning the night away in front of the laptop from now on."  
>This shift to normality and the slanted humor affected Shizuo as much as anything else. He was close to tears himself. And somehow Izaya sensed it.<br>"Now Shizu-chan, it does no good to cry. You're a tough guy. What happened, did one of your cute pets get killed again? I remember you bawled your eyes out when that cute kitty you had got run over back in, what was it, 9th grade?"  
>"Yeah. Something like that."<br>It was an easy parallel to establish.  
>"You know what, I think we should become friends. Now I know, I wasn't very nice to you but we can let that go, right?"<br>Shizuo blinked away tears that stung his eyes.  
>"Sure. We'll do that."<br>"By the way, it seems like we're in the same class this year as well."  
>"Class…?"<br>"The new semester's just around the corner and I know just how to steal the exams. I'll tell you all about it."  
>Shizuo felt ice dripping down his spine.<br>"Izaya, we're no longer in school."  
>A brief frown.<br>"Oh. Right, you're right. Just checking to see if you knew that."


	6. Chapter 6

There were no further protests. Under Shinra's instructions Shizuo stripped Izaya of his old bandages and replaced them. He did not need the doctor's input to see how the pattern of scars went from faded trails almost reabsorbed into the skin, these scattered somewhat randomly, to deeper incisions that had yet to scab, inscribed close to the heart and wrists. Shizuo wiped the blood from his temples and patted his head as an afterthought.  
>Izaya was very docile and he remained so as he sat at table where Shinra placed some noodles.<br>"Lunch is served, Izaya-kun! I'm sorry this is all I have to offer."  
>"That's okay. I like fatty tuna better but this will do."<br>Shizuo watched him very closely as one would observe a volatile experiment of sorts. Izaya tried to pick up his chopsticks but after a few attempts it became clear that his bundled up hand could only drop them.  
>"I'll help you, here."<br>Shizuo scooped a bundle of greasy noodles and served them to Izaya.  
>"This is weird, Shizu-chan. It's like I can't do anything by myself."<br>He chewed slowly and almost meditatively.  
>"Be careful, it's a bit hot."<br>The heavy scent of broth was very familiar to the two of them. It brought to mind days filled with sun. Izaya smiled sadly.  
>"It's like cafeteria food. Remember how you used to always grumble that the milk was not to your taste?"<br>"Yeah. Plastic food."  
>"Shizu-chan…I just made a fool out of myself, didn't I? And I always wanted to look cool when you're around."<br>Shizuo blew on the steaming threads, sampling them before letting Izaya have a bit.  
>"Don't worry too much."<br>"I wonder if this counts as an indirect kiss."  
>Shizuo smiled back despite himself. He could feel how precious this moment of clarity was, how much like a bubble travelling through darkness. He helped Izaya drink powder miso soup and struggled for something to say.<br>"Does your head still hurt?"  
>Izaya nodded.<br>"A bit. But not too bad. Besides, I'm Orihara Izaya. Takes more than a headache to knock me down."  
>Even as he said this his eyes showed an underside of doubt that denied confidence.<br>"Izaya-"  
>"I'm sure your kitty didn't suffer. He never saw the car, I'm sure. What's really awful is when you can see it and feel it but you can't move or get away. Because there's no car, just something bursting apart- inside. Ah, kitties are smart they know when it's nap time."<br>Izaya yawned and stretched. Switching from dark insight to laziness.  
>"You're sleepy? You just got up…"<br>"Just a tad tired. Maybe I'm just having a nightmare. A very long, very horrible nightmare."  
>Shizuo was about to add something that was bound to be useless. He never got around to it. Izaya bit a finger, teeth sinking into clean gauze until red wetted the antiseptic white.<br>"Izaya, stop that!"  
>He obeyed and calmly added, in lieu of a conclusion.<br>"So much for that theory. Guess I can't wake up from this."

"If you want to jump boat, now would be the right time, Shizuo."  
>Shinra handed him a mug of hot chocolate.<br>"I can't leave him. Not when he's…like this."  
>Currently Izaya was sound asleep and Shizuo hoped that he was at peace.<br>"Did you know what kind of patient gets the less visits? It's not the terminal cases as you'd think. It's the psychiatric ward that scores lowest in that department. After a while family members begin spacing their visits more and more. The closer they are the worse it is. Many just stop coming at all."  
>Shizuo drank. There was no taste to it.<br>"If you didn't want me to stick around then you shouldn't have brought me here."  
>Shinra nodded.<br>"I know. And to be honest, I think you're the one thing that's keeping Izaya from going off the deep end completely. But I also have to keep you in mind. Try not to let it get to you too much."  
>Shizuo took a deep breath.<br>"I know you mean well, Shinra. But whatever I can do for him, that's what I'll do."  
>"I was pretty sure you'd say that. Just be ready for the fact that he may not come back. Of course you shouldn't tell him that but you don't forget it."<p> 


	7. Chapter 7

Silence.  
>"Is he even aware of what is going on?"<br>"To some extent, I think. It's hard to say but he's retreating into the past because it makes him feel comfortable. And he's trying to be very brave."  
>Shizuo turned the mug in his hands.<br>"You sure can talk calmly about this."  
>"I'm a doctor. That's my job."<br>"Sorry. Didn't mean it like that."  
>"I can offer professional care but it's you he's relying on."<br>"Shouldn't we take him to a hospital? And get him a specialist."  
>Shinra seemed to consider this.<br>"The system is not kind to patients with this type of disorder but I see your point. For the time being I want to keep him around for a while longer. I'm afraid the ward would kill him."  
>Shinra knew all too well about the drastic effects of medication that turned broken human being into automatons that were left to wander down corridors for hours at length, just shadows gutted of even their delusions, torn into hollow shells.<p>

"Hey, Izaya. It's time to wake up."  
>"Hmm…sleepy. Still early."<br>Shizuo had just returned from a shift after breaking a few bottles and being overall useless. He was both relieved to be back by Izaya's side and terrified all over at the sight of him. Celty greeted him in her quiet way that so oddly befitting to a nurse.  
>"Has he been sleeping this whole time?"<br>Celty informed him that it was so for the most part except for some doodling. Izaya slowly sat up and rubbed his eyes. He yawned all the way.  
>"Shizu-chan! I've been here for ages now. Can I go out now?"<br>"I think it's better if you stay here."  
>Izaya slumped in defeat.<br>"But I'm tired of staying in bed. Am I grounded or something?"  
>Shizuo was not used to having such responsibility over another person.<br>"No, nothing like that. But it's raining a lot outside."  
>"Oh. I see."<br>For a while it seemed like all was well, as well as it could be it, then Izaya added,  
>"You're lying to me."<br>Not a question but a statement.  
>"Lying? What do you mean?"<br>Izaya narrowed his gaze and zeroed in on Shizuo.  
>"I'm not stupid. First of all you're a terrible liar and second your clothes are dry, you have no umbrella and I know you just got here because you still have your very dry jacket on." Shizuo was taken aback. Somehow, spinning cushioning lies around Izaya had become so easy that Shizuo had fallen into that routine without even realizing.<br>"Izaya-"  
>"Don't patronize me! You didn't even bother to come up with a believable lie, you didn't even bother- what, next you'll tell me that I can't go out because the Martians have taken over Tokyo or something stupid like that and just expect me to buy it because I'm an idiot now?"<br>Fury bristled and Izaya glowered in the midst of it, supported by it entirely.  
>"Just calm down-"<br>"'Calm down'? I'm not three years old! I hope you're enjoying your revenge. You did this to me. Yes, that's what happened. That's right, that's what happened. You didn't want me back to 'bukuro so you…you did this to me, somehow."  
>Izaya gathered momentum. Shizuo was considerably distraught.<br>"I didn't do anything to you, you're just sick-"  
>"Ha, don't you think I <em>know<em> that? I can't remember my cell phone number. I've been thinking about it, been trying to remember. I know there's a 5 and a 7 but that's all I can recall and the order- I can't remember that."  
>"It's okay, I have it saved, I'll check it for you."<br>"It's not fucking okay! Stop saying it is!"  
>Izaya flung some nearby sheets of paper at him. Shizuo picked them from the floor at started at the jittery lines that repeated themselves all over, invoking a familiar pattern without being stable enough to quite clinch it.<br>"My name- I've been trying to write it. I couldn't remember the kanji. 'Is it Orihara with the kanji for cage?' I thought that but then I realized…I didn't know that one either. It's not, is it? How can I not know this! It's my- it's my own name. So I tried to write it in hiragana but I kept getting it wrong. The 'お' and the 'あ', which is which! I don't _know_! So don't tell me it's fucking okay!"


	8. Chapter 8

Shizuo had no reaction other than shock. Celty intervened with her silent efficiency by typing on her phone and showing it to Izaya. Relief lit him up immediately.  
>"There it is! I recognize it now, 'Orihara Izaya'. Thank you, Celty. Can you print this for me? With the phonetic reading too. And romaji if you don't mind."<br>She ambled to a nearby laptop. Izaya kept the phone as he got out of bed and sat cross legged on the floor.  
>"It's easier if there's a model to copy from, how many strokes, let me see."<br>He gathered the sheets of paper and grabbed a pencil with both hands. A look of stern concentration crossed his face as he drew awkward lines with slow movements.  
>"It would be better with a grid. How does it go again, downward strokes from left to right. Shame there's no paintbrush around, the kind they use in competitions. I'll have you know that I was in the calligraphy club. These bandages are annoying."<br>Izaya chattered amicably and smiled with childish glee when Celty handed him his printed out name. He studied it for a long time, slightly rocking his body as he ran his eyes through the intricate design.  
>"Alright, let's try this again. Downward, left to right. You know, if you can't write your name they'll take away your citizenship. It's true. Then they dump you in Tokyo bay."<br>Izaya touched the characters as if to commit them to memory and resumed his attempts. Shizuo watched him struggle greatly only to accomplish skewed bundles of spidery entanglements.  
>"Seems just like yesterday I was learning all this for the first time, you know? And how was that rain, Shizu-chan? I can still write that one, it really looks like raindrops- see? '雨', first grade, eight strokes. Of course you were just lying to me but see, this was an easy one. But my name is tricky…"<br>Izaya tried it again. The blunt tip of the pencil moved resolutely with precious little success. Izaya wiped beads of sweat off his forehead and studied his name anew.  
>"I think I'll keep this. Your handwriting was always very sloppy, Shizu-chan. Mine is pretty but I can't seem to get it right."<br>Yet Izaya kept at it, grim deliberation steadying his shaky lines into a semblance of coherence. There was only so much of this that Shizuo could endure. He knelt by his side, towering above him gave him an uncomfortable feeling, and glanced at the confused mess of strokes.  
>"Hey, you don't have to do this now. Why don't you try when your hands get better? No one can write properly with hurt hands."<br>Shizuo tried to smile but it felt plastic even to himself. Izaya stopped and seemed to consider this.  
>"But Shizu-chan, by then I won't know my name anymore."<br>More than anything it was this sober acceptance that Shizuo found so difficult to deal with.  
>"What are you talking about, Izaya? Of course you will. Everything is going to be-"<br>"Okay? You can't look me in the eye and tell me that. But I bet you'd tell the survivors at Hiroshima that they'll be okay while all along knowing that it wasn't so. I wonder if that makes you crueler than I ever was."  
>Shizuo did not know how to take this without it getting to him. Izaya scribbled some more, filling page after page with the exact same pattern that did not quite match his name but was close.<br>"It slips from my mind but if I keep going at it, then it'll become automatic again. So when I forget it at least my hand will be able to remember. I'm in the dark, Shizu-chan. Say all you want but I can't find my way back. Wonder what this is now, my kanji are getting all strange and distorted."  
>Shizuo pried the pencil away from Izaya and dried the tears from his cheeks.<br>"Even if you forget I'll remind you. So don't push yourself too hard."  
>Izaya hugged the printout.<br>"'Orihara Izaya', I must not forget that. Yes, until I forget that- until I forget it then I'll still be Orihara Izaya. And after that-"  
>But he never finished the sentence but grew silent, rocking back and forth, quiet in his brokenness.<p> 


	9. Chapter 9

Izaya pinned the printout to the bed's headboard after a few more hours of scrawling that degenerated into loops and odd shapes. He had managed to replicate the precious characters with some success and after that simply drew abstract figures. Izaya seemed pleased enough and bounced out of bed.  
>"Shizu-chan, don't hold it against me but I can't write your name for the life of me. And I don't really want to think about it."<br>Shizuo was glad that the monomania was put aside at least for the time being. This tenacity that wielded no results was slightly desperate.  
>"I've been wondering…just where am I again?"<br>"Shinra's hospital."  
>Izaya looked around as if he had not noticed his surroundings up to this point.<br>"Pretty shoddy place, isn't it? That's some karma for you."  
>Shizuo found himself smiling despite everything.<br>"It's not too bad. This is just the basement, too."  
>"Speaking of which, is there a bathtub around? It feels like ages since I last bathed."<br>Celty showed Shizuo to a large bathroom and he made as if to carry Izaya.  
>"I can walk."<br>"Okay."  
>Shizuo undid the bandages again. Izaya was mostly apathetic as he let Shizuo unroll the strips of gauze off his body. The running water was the only disturbance to the silence. Shizuo studied the receding scars anew. He imagined Izaya inflicting these as if to brand a visible sigil of the chaos within. Izaya was indifferent to being naked like this, his eyes a shade too glassy to let the usual intelligent light shine through. Shizuo felt that he was picking up a human sized doll and he was careful as to sit him in the tub without his collapsing underwater, unstrung as he was.<br>"Is the water okay? Not too warm?"  
>"It's fine."<br>Izaya soaped himself, methodically running the yellow bar over damaged skin. Shizuo gave him time and tried to read the mood. Izaya was very understated and almost transparent. Shizuo was getting attuned to the unpredictable workings of a derailed mind and he felt that he could make him a few questions.  
>"Say, Izaya. Can you tell me the last thing you can remember before coming here?"<br>Izaya blew a few bubbles, playfully. He splashed around and kicked bits of water, disregarding Shizuo altogether.  
>"Oh, I know. I was being Kanra at the time."<br>No further explanation was forthcoming. Shizuo was considerably puzzled.  
>"Kanra? What do you mean, 'being Kanra'?"<br>"Oh yeah, Shizu-chan doesn't know Kanra."  
>Izaya hugged his knees and hummed softly under his breath.<br>"Is Kanra your girlfriend?"  
>A giggle.<br>"Not exactly. Kanra is, how should I put it, my other self? That would be about right."  
>Shizuo was at a loss. He wondered if this was merely a fruitless attempt at unraveling a delusion and that the result was doomed to be as crooked as Izaya's kanji.<br>"Other self?"  
>"Yes. You could say that Kanra is a part of me and at times I'm part of Kanra. She also is Orihara Izaya."<br>Shizuo blinked. This made no sense to him but he owed it to Izaya to understand as much as possible.  
>"So…Kanra is sort of imaginary?"<br>Izaya flung his arms over the tub's edge and placed his head on head in a makeshift pillow.  
>"Don't be silly, Kanra is a real person just like I'm real. Because I'm Kanra."<br>Shizuo handed him a sponge and after a brief moment of hesitation decided to try something.  
>"Could I meet Kanra and ask her what happened?"<br>Sweet scented foam filled the tub as Izaya whetted the bar of soap with the sponge.  
>"You want to talk to Kanra?"<br>"Is that possible?"  
>Izaya seemed to consider it.<br>"Sure. I'll call her. Wait a second."  
>Shizuo waited with baited breath. He hardly knew what to expect but he was suddenly nervous to the point of panicking. Shizuo was about to tell Izaya to forget about the whole thing but he never got to it.<br>"I believe that you are Heiwajima Shizuo? It is a pleasure to meet you! I'm Kanra, you can call me Kanra-chan."  
>Shizuo closed and opened his mouth in silence. His throat was parched. The tone of the voice that addressed was oddly keyed and the pronoun was wrong*. Izaya gave him a radiant smile.<br>"Izaya, are you joking around again?"  
>"I've always wanted to meet Shizu-chan! Can I call you that? Izaya always tells me how interesting Shizu-chan is so I was very excited to meet you myself!"<p>

* * *

><p><strong>AN:** Probably not all that necessary but still: Izaya is using a feminine pronoun in this passage instead of the usual masculine ones that he normally employs. I could not find a way of getting that across without introducing Japanese words in the text and doing that in a serious story always seems to deter from its impact or to at least seem off. Maybe it's just me.


	10. Chapter 10

Izaya extended his hand and retracted it suddenly to pull the curtain. Shizuo could only see a shape on the other side and his distress kicked up a notch.  
>"Oh my, how embarrassing. It is mean of Izaya to call me up when I'm taking a bath. Please hand me a towel? And don't peek!"<br>Shizuo obeyed because he did not know what else to do.  
>"Izaya-"<br>"Turn around. And the name is Kanra. I'll have a word with Izaya, playing such a dirty trick on me."  
>Shizuo turned around in bewilderment. It was highly unnerving not to see what Izaya was up to and he conjured blades, shower chords turned into nooses, and he was just about to risk upsetting him to assure his security when Izaya spoke.<br>"You can turn around now."  
>Izaya had dried himself and put on a new hospital gown. A fierce blush was on his cheeks and he looked in every direction other than Shizuo's.<br>"Are you okay?"  
>"This is so not how I wanted to meet Shizu-chan! And these clothes…"<br>Izaya trailed off. Shizuo remembered that such garments were tied at the back in such way that made it difficult for someone with hurt hands to handle. He thought fast.  
>"Want me to get Celty? She can fasten it for you."<br>Izaya seemed to consider his. His naked foot turned on the floor in a truly girlish way. At length he lifted his eyes.  
>"It's okay if Shizu-chan does it. Izaya trusts Shizu-chan and so do I."<br>Izaya turned around and Shizuo had to take a deep breath to do the knots.  
>"Is that okay?"<br>Izaya spun and held the edges of the light green gown as if it was a dress. He curtseyed gracefully and offered his hand.  
>"It is a pleasure to meet you, Shizu-chan. Let's get along. Neh?"<br>Shizuo heard himself say from what felt like a great distance:  
>"I'm sure you're a great girl."<br>The absurdity of the situation struck him anew.

"I can't believe that Izaya didn't tell you about me!"  
>Shizuo sat at table with Izaya and tried his very best not to let any of his deep agitation show. He was beginning to realize that Izaya, or Kanra, or whoever he believed he was at the moment, had moments of keen perception in which he was perfectly aware of just how freaked out Shizuo was. Currently Shizuo was just buying time until Shinra returned which according to an SMS should be in about two hours.<br>"Orihara-san-"  
>"Don't be so formal! 'Kanra-chan' is just fine!"<br>Shizuo swallowed.  
>"Kanra…chan, are you friends with Izaya?"<br>"I'm his best friend. And I don't know if I should be telling you this…"  
>His tone grew conspiratorial and even a tad sly. Egging him on.<br>"Tell me what?"  
>"Izaya really likes you."<br>Shizuo decided to make light of this.  
>"Izaya likes everyone, doesn't he? Since he likes humanity and all that."<br>Izaya giggled, crossed his legs and leant over the table. The sweet shy damsel attitude slid into something self consciously suggestive.  
>"I don't mean it like that. Izaya likes you. As in, like like. That type of like."<br>"Oh. So he's told you this?"  
>"He didn't have to. Chalk it down to a woman's intuition."<br>Shizuo was not eager to discuss this any further at all.  
>"Have you known him for a long time?"<br>"Since forever."  
>"And how did you two meet?"<br>"We found each other because we are kindred souls."  
>Shizuo was afraid that pressing Izaya too much would only further the damage and he was thankful for the excuse of lunch to escape from the insanity of this entire dialogue. He hoped that all of it was pure fabrication.<br>"Want something to eat? We basically only have noodles again but I brought you some tuna too."  
>"Thank you! I try not to abuse ootoro but I can't resist it. I am weak against it."<br>"This is only canned tuna, not fresh. Sorry."  
>"No worries. I'm just glad I can finally talk to Shizu-chan and even eat with him."<br>Celty served them the food and Izaya watched her with clear curiosity.  
>"Could you possibly be the headless rider I have heard so much about? How exciting! Izaya hardly ever lets me out so I was getting so bored."<br>Celty merely nodded.  
>"Kanra-chan, speaking of Izaya, where did he go to?"<br>Izaya sighed sadly.  
>"Orihara Izaya, Orihara Izaya, Orihara Izaya. It's always all about him, how about Kanra-chan for a change?"<p> 


	11. Chapter 11

"I was just curious since he disappeared."  
>"I only know that Izaya was tired so he went somewhere to rest."<br>Shizuo tried a different approach.  
>"How do you feel, Kanra-chan?"<br>"I am so happy to finally be here."  
>Izaya smiled warmly. There was a certain grace about him, an aura of subtle delicacy. Shizuo associated it with girlish charm. He was in strange awe of it. Izaya tucked a bit of hair behind an ear. Shizuo searched for something to say.<br>"We're glad to have you here too."  
>Izaya brightened up. Carried afloat by some inner joy that was as powerful as it was unwarranted. Shizuo could hardly repress his relief as he heard Shinra's voice chattering even before he reached the room. Having informed the doctor previously, Shizuo now trusted him to take it from here and reestablish as much normality as possible.<br>"Hello, Kanra-chan. I brought you a little something."  
>Shinra produced a pretty purple dress and handed it out to Izaya. Shizuo was not at all expecting this but Izaya took the garment without hesitating.<br>"Thank you! I'll try it on."  
>"Make sure Celty bandages you up while you're at it."<br>"Sure thing."  
>Shizuo watched Izaya skip away.<br>"Shinra-"  
>"Not now. Later."<br>There was only silence until Izaya returned in the dress.  
>"What do you think, Shizu-chan? Looks good on me?"<br>Izaya turned around, skirt blowing in the air. Shizuo was shocked anew. Not so much at the weirdness of it all but at how naturally Izaya pulled it out with not as much as a hint of unease. He leant forward, arms behind his back, a certain sly coyness in the way he asked for an approval that he knew beforehand was already his. Whatever might be said of Kanra, she had plenty of self-esteem.  
>"Yeah. Looks great."<br>Shizuo did not even have to lie. Izaya turned around a few times, half-dancing. The short piece revealed bandages wrapped around his slender limbs but his buoyed up attitude almost made these irrelevant.  
>"Spring time means new clothes. And summer is right around the corner, too. I want to go gold fish scooping with Shizu-chan. And watch fireworks in a yukata while we share cotton candy."<br>"That would be nice."  
>Shizuo was aware that he was being hit on. It was impossible to miss it. But he was too much in a daze to even grasp the implications.<br>"But Shizu-chan's girlfriend would get mad at me…"  
>"I'm single."<br>Izaya jumped up and down.  
>"Really? How come! Oh well, so much better for me. Say, Shizu-chan, have you heard about the human experiments that have been taking place around 'bukuro?"<br>"Not really…"  
>Shizuo could see Shinra making himself scarce without leaving the spot.<br>"There are a lot of rumors about it. I wonder if there's any truth to it."  
>"I wouldn't give much credit to urban legends if I were you."<br>Izaya rocked back and forth, almost tiptoeing in a silent dance routine.  
>"Oh? But the headless rider exists. This is a city of secrets."<br>Shizuo corrected his perception of Kanra. As a figment of Izaya's imagination, she shared his instinct and sharp insight.  
>"I guess."<br>Izaya smiled enigmatically.  
>"Imagine if you could shape someone according to your will. The end result would tell so much about you, wouldn't it?"<br>"I'm sure it would be so."  
>Izaya turned to chat with Celty and chatted about designer clothes, ice cream, kitties and cake stores. Shizuo wondered how many girls in Tokyo were covering these exact same topics at the moment. He could not shake the feeling that Kanra was seizing her up and learning all that could possibly be learnt.<p>

"Who- or what is Kanra?"  
>Shizuo asked Shinra over a cup of coffee. They were in the office while Izaya was in the basement with Celty.<br>"From what I've heard from Izaya, the infamous Kanra-chan is his female alias online."  
>"As in…he pretended to be a girl?"<br>Shinra nodded.  
>"It's an information gathering method. Izaya has invested a lot into creating her personality and now that he's under such pressure, he seems to think that he really is Kanra."<br>"But…can't he look at himself and see that he's not a girl?"  
>"I'm sure he sees a woman's body."<br>Shizuo sank in his chair.  
>"He's not making fun of us?"<br>"Izaya is dead serious. Or you could say Kanra is dead serious."


	12. Chapter 12

"Was giving him a dress a good idea?"  
>"For the time being I'm just keeping Kanra happy."<br>"This is…I don't even know."  
>"Izaya can't cope with reality at the moment and he knows it. Whatever happened to him apparently did not impact Kanra as much. She's our best bet in reaching Izaya."<br>Shizuo considered this as he rubbed his chin.  
>"So he's using her to get by?"<br>"That's my guess. And I must warn you to be very careful around Kanra."  
>Shizuo blinked.<br>"What do you mean?"  
>"You must have noticed that Kanra is flirting with you. And since you told her you didn't have a girlfriend…actually, she'd probably ignore that altogether. Kanra is every bit as smart as Izaya, so don't let her cute ditzy act get to you."<br>"I still can't think of Izaya as Kanra."  
>"This may work to your advantage."<br>Shizuo shook his head.  
>"How? He thinks he's a girl!"<br>"Call it split personality if you will, I'm pretty sure we can find out what happened through Kanra."  
>This had not occurred to Shizuo. All he could see was the defeating power of lunacy against which no argument could hold.<br>"You think? Can Izaya see what's going one while he's on, erm, Kanra mode?"  
>It was the best way of putting it as far as Shizuo could tell.<br>"I'm not sure. But Izaya is taking a break according to her and I'm pretty sure he was in need of that. You saw how erratic he was becoming before Kanra appeared."  
>Shizuo considered this. Indeed he knew that a few more pushes and Izaya would come undone at the seams. Kanra, on the other hand, despite her selective awareness that filtered out much, was much more in touch with reality.<br>"Kanra said something about Izaya liking me…do you think that's true?"  
>"I have no idea. I never understood exactly what went on in that mind of his. He's a proof that the line between genius and madness is very faint and can be erased. But I do know that he had something of an obsession about you. At times it bordered on stalker behavior."<br>Shizuo started.  
>"How come I never found out about this?"<br>"Because manipulating what people know is what Izaya does best. Back to Kanra, she's out to get you. She's not even being subtle about it."  
>Shizuo scratched his hair in mystification.<br>"Izaya is still a guy…and there's way too much wrong with him anyway."  
>Shinra nodded.<br>"I know but Izaya is wily. Be nice to Kanra, get her to tell you anything you can about Izaya but don't let her corner you."  
>"This is…so fucked up in so many ways."<br>"True. But keeping Izaya here isn't helping any and with this turn of events you can take him out. Just keep an eye on him and Celty will escort him just in case."  
>Shizuo was already suspicious of this plan of going along with the IzayaShinra dichotomy and he became much more so now.  
>"Are you sure that's a good idea? If people in Tokyo saw him like that…"<br>"That's why I'm sending you to the countryside for a while."  
>Shizuo did not see this coming.<br>"What? Why?"  
>"This city is a source of anxiety for Izaya. I have a house in the country, really nice. Nature all around. Celty will accompany you of course."<br>Shizuo contemplated this plan. He remained doubtful.  
>"I don't know about this…"<br>"I really think that a change of pace is in order. As luck would have it, I was called to my hometown to take care of a rather difficult patient, so now is the perfect time."  
>"I suppose."<p>

If Shizuo was unsure, Kanra was most excited when told about this project.  
>"I never left Tokyo! I can't wait. To be living under the same roof as Shizu-chan."<br>Izaya smiled innocently. There went Shizuo's holidays but all things considered, he had much more important things to worry about.  
>"Yeah, but don't worry, you'll have your own room."<br>"I don't mind sharing a room with Shizu-chan."  
>Shizuo was still freaked out over this personality shift and the overt hints that seemed to be its direct consequence, but he was glad that Izaya did not seem to be suffering or apathetic. Kanra was surely plotting, but her consistency of demeanor, her intelligence that did not spiral into paranoia, gave him hope that Izaya was not completely gone past the point of no return.<p> 


	13. Chapter 13

Shizuo had never seen anyone so hyped over a train. Izaya jumped up and down at the Shinkansen, appreciating the sleek lines of the bullet train. He had been persuaded into wearing gender flexible clothes that covered the bandages without looking too boyish. Kanra insisted on staying true to her very feminine style to the point that Shizuo found himself getting more baffled instead of less.  
>"I'm taking the window seat."<br>Izaya did just that and nearly glued himself to the glass. His eyes were very wide as if to take it everything at the same time, the rush of the packed platform, the speeding scenery outside that slid by in shades of sharp grey. Shizuo was realizing just what Kanra meant when she said that Izaya did not let her out much. Everything was new to her.  
>"Shizu-chan, Shizu-chan, look, fields! So green."<br>"Yeah."  
>Some things never seemed to change. Leave all the talking to Izaya and he carried it out without needing much input. So much, so that Shizuo often felt unnecessary. Except for the fact that Izaya, Kanra mode or not, was studying him. Even as Izaya rejoiced at fresh leagues of rice paddies, Shizuo still found him casting furtive glances at his direction. There were even times when paranoia crept in as some contagious disease and Shizuo wondered if Izaya and Kanra were not hatching some kind of plot. Shinra gave them plenty of space by sitting at the opposite seat.<br>"There's so much sky. You need to get to the top of the highest skyscrapers to see all this blue. And even then it's not the same."  
>Shizuo smiled at this enthusiasm. He was not used to wide open spaces either. They made him somewhat nervous. Metropolises had a kind of liberating anonymity even if he could not blend in with the crowd as Izaya could. The countryside invoked images of peasants with pitchforks. Shizuo knew that it was an absurd preconceived notion but he could not help it. He chewed on a cigarette.<br>"Don't you get dizzy looking out all the time? It's giving me a headache."  
>"Not at all. I'm used to flashing figures that keep changing on the screen. This is so much nicer."<br>"So you're into computers, Kanra-chan?"  
>It occurred to Shizuo that this was the closest he had had to a date in ages.<br>"I know my binary code, Shizu-chan. And I'm the living proof that there are girls online despite common opinion."  
>It was a very bizarre non-intentional joke. During the journey Izaya chattered about Kanra's likes and dislikes. She liked the hippest bands and some rather obscure ones that added an edge, she kept up with the latest trends and did advanced programming. Kanra would act cutesy and bordering on ditzy territory only to drop a comment that revealed just how aware she was.<br>Like now as the now local train dropped them at their destination. Passengers unbuckled and began to gather their belongings. Izaya did not budge.  
>"People are so silly. Always hurrying from place to place. If they don't take their time observing, they will never progress and no matter where they go, they will meet the same limitations. Know what I mean? Shizu-chan?"<br>Shizuo did not exactly get it but he recognized the cruel glitter to this smile.

A car was supposed to take them to Shinra's place but Izaya wanted to walk. And so Shizuo found himself carrying the luggage as he followed him down a dirt road surrounded by fields. The silence was unlike the urban background that one forgot was even there, instead it was filled with bird song. Izaya skipped along behind Shinra.  
>"You really are very strong."<br>"Yeah, I guess."  
>Izaya turned around and kept on walking despite having his back turned to the path.<br>"Be careful, you'll end up falling."  
>"Being strong is fine but it may work against you in this day and age. Civilization is beaten into us as soon as we become conscious that we are alive and its rules become part of who we are. This age does not value physical strength all that much but it has a layer of faux compassion that only the weak can exploit."<br>Shizuo blinked at this tirade. He was clueless. Izaya smiled a coy smile.  
>"Allow me to demonstrate, Shizu-chan. Don't intervene."<p> 


	14. Chapter 14

Shinra stopped on his tracks to see just what Izaya had in mind. Izaya timed his steps in just the right way so as to stumble and fall as he was right next to a man making his way in the opposite direction. Shizuo hurried to help, worry flaring up anew, but Shinra stopped him with a gesture. The man was already helping Izaya to his feet and attentively asking questions about his wellbeing. Izaya was at his shiest and prettiest. He rose easily enough and thanked him with a pink flush over his cheeks more than he apparently genuine platitudes he uttered. It was only reluctantly that the man left and only after seeing Shizuo and Shinra. Still he pressed and got a phone number in return. Izaya waved until the stranger was out of sight.  
>"I rest my case, Shizu-chan."<br>They resumed their leisurely pace, Izaya being non the worse for his fall.  
>"You did that on purpose…?"<br>"Oh yes. Males in general respond to weak females in distress. At the same time they react severely against other males that just happen to be stronger. And that, Shizu-chan, explains all the hostility you have found in your life."  
>Shizuo's jaw dropped. Izaya added as an afterthought.<br>"Except when it comes to Izaya, of course."  
>"What do you mean?"<br>Shizuo could feel on the verge of a revelation. Right here under and endless sun filled sky where a few strands of white cloud were the only interruptions in the blue. Izaya skipped, arms outstretched as if he was about to take flight.  
>"Izaya does not know how to express his feelings. He over-thinks everything so that for all his intelligence, all he can do is hurt those he loves."<br>"And you are more emotional?"  
>"I wonder. But I do know that no one can be perfectly in control and strong all the time. The trick is to allow unpredictable elements to play into your hand."<br>Shizuo could not let Kanra slip away without clarifying the dim light that was almost within reach.  
>"Is that what you're doing?"<br>"Perhaps it is, perhaps it is not. I am no threat to anyone. I am simply Kanra-chan and ever so sweet. If I am in trouble even random strangers will extend their hand to help me because that makes them feel happy about themselves. If you ever find yourself in need of help, the world would take the opportunity to destroy you so that you do not recover your threatening status."  
>The wind was scented with fresh dew as it flitted between them.<br>"That is-"  
>"Absolutely true. And this is why I too love humanity."<br>"'Too'? You mean like Izaya?"  
>Kanra giggled.<br>"At times I wonder how you managed to survive with your thoughtless ways. But that is part of your charm, is it not?"  
>Shizuo shivered. No words occurred to him. Which meant that he had already lost the challenge. Kanra skipping away was a mere formality. The receding figure that crossed the brilliant air with arms outstretched could easily be mistaken for a girl out to enjoy a sunny day.<p>

Shizuo watched Izaya jump around the tall grass that reached his waist. Shinra's backyard had run wild due to neglect to the point of becoming a mini jungle.  
>"Chlorophyll, chlorophyll, mighty chlorophyll doing its work of drinking up the light."<br>Izaya fell back softly on the fluffy green mat. He closed his eyes upon a gentle smile and hummed, his voice keyed to a melodious pitch very much like a bird's.  
>"What's that song?"<br>Shizuo sat on the porch and smelled hay and the warm sugary perfume of flowers unfurled to the sun.  
>"Your high school anthem."<br>"It did sound familiar."  
>Shizuo was unsure of how much of Izaya's memory Kanra shared. The details that Kanra provided showed that Izaya had invested so much into crafting this alter ego and they became disturbing to Shizuo whenever they went into the past. He was more aware than ever of the dangerous intelligence that Kanra shared with Izaya. The connection between the two was not as simple as he had initially believed but it was a complicated one.<br>"I prefer blades of grass to switchblades. Why don't you join me here, Shizu-chan?"


	15. Chapter 15

Shizuo hesitated. But he ended up sitting next to Izaya in the greenery.  
>"It is often said that 'society' is so complex, to the point of its being a thing unto itself. But even if you had the vaguest idea of the chemicals processes currently taking place all around us, you will be forced to conclude that it entails a greater complexity. On the other hand, if we contemplate our own biological makeup, we will find a staggering intricate web of chemical correspondences and relations. Why do you suppose it is so?"<br>Shizuo did not have the faintest inkling. Izaya spoke with his eyes closed, sun dots scattering random patterns over his body.  
>"I really can't say."<br>"Information. All life is information. 'Why do I exist?' You do so because information encoded in your DNA allows you to. Humans are the product of information. Up to this point that is somewhat self-evident. But much more interesting is that humans are producers of information.  
>"Right."<br>Shizuo had fallen prey to the conventional idea that Kanra, by being a female persona, was more emotion driven but he was at a loss following the reasoning. Very often he felt as if Izaya's philosophizing was pure gibberish coated with fancy words but he now wondered if there was something beyond empty complicated chatter.  
>"I'm sorry, Shizu-chan. I'm sure none of this interests you at all."<br>"It's not like that. I just don't think I'm smart enough to get it."  
>Izaya picked up a flower and held it against the slow pattern of clouds moving on the sky.<br>"Hmm…that's very honest of you. Do you still get very angry?"  
>Shizuo shook his head. Deep sorry banished even thoughts of anger.<br>"Not anymore."  
>"Isn't that great? You can accomplish so such much more now."<br>"I suppose."  
>Izaya spread his arms on the lush grass.<br>"May I ask you a question?"  
>"Sure."<br>"Why didn't you kill Izaya? You've had plenty of chances. And you do have reasons for hating him."  
>Shizuo put on his sunglasses. He remembered all those times he had knocked out Izaya with some heavy object only to walk away grumbling without being able to deliver the killing blow.<br>"I don't actually like violence- as weird as it may seem. I suppose you don't believe me-"  
>"I believe you, though."<br>"You do…?"  
>Naked surprise at this.<br>"Yes. You're not a bad person at all. No wonder Izaya had such a great time sabotaging your life. With friends like Izaya you really do not need any enemies. But you still spared him."  
>Shizuo scratched his head. Izaya moved with lightening speed, lightly kissing his lips.<br>"What are you doing…?"  
>Even to himself Shizuo sounded dazed. The scent of honey was strong in its oppressive sweetness and he did not know at what time the cicadas had began their droning choir that sounded like an endless prayer to no god but they buzzed loudly in his ears.<br>"I'm not going to lose to Orihara Izaya. Consider this a declaration of war. I wonder what's for lunch."  
>Izaya leapt to his feet and helped Shizuo get up.<br>"What did you just say?"  
>Izaya's smiled broadly.<br>"I'm hoping for corn ears. When you're in the country you must have corn ears. But I wonder if there's any corn around. All you see are rice fields as far as the eye can see."  
>They moved indoors as Izaya spoke.<br>"No, I mean about Izaya."  
>"Oh, that! It's very simple, Shizu-chan. Not at all obscure or complicated. The one to win you over is going to be me, Kanra-chan. Not Izaya. And I believe I smell lunch. Celty-chan! What are you cooking?"<br>Izaya skipped to the kitchen and left Shizuo gaping. Through the threshold he could see Izaya trying on an apron and twirling around. Shizuo brought his fingers to his lips. He wanted Izaya back. So much that it hurt. The cicadas hummed in tone deaf harmony. Vaguely he tried to recall what their cry was supposed to mean. Then he remembered. It meant that something bad was about to happen.


	16. Chapter 16

Half an hour later they gathered around steaming cups of ramen. Izaya poked the food with his chopsticks and scrunched his face in a perfect girlish reaction.  
>"Instant food? We're in the country, can't we have something that is actually cooked?"<br>Celty replied readily enough.  
>"'Sorry, can't cook.'"<br>"And I suppose Shizu-chan is hopeless as well."  
>Shizuo nodded. Izaya sighed then jumped to his feet and rolled up his sleeves.<br>"Oh well, it can't be helped. I guess I'll have to give it a go!"  
>And without further ado Izaya waltzed to the kitchen counter and began to go through the cupboards.<br>"So…what are you going to make?"  
>"Hotpot. And before you ask, no, I never tried it before. But there's a first time to everything."<br>Izaya waved a knife about as he spoke. For a split second Shizuo was sure that he was going to stab him before Celty could even intervene but instead Izaya slipped into the apron again and chopped vegetables into fine slices. The blade was a blur. Kanra had the same knife wielding skills as Izaya, clearly. This usage was bizarre but at least Izaya's hands had healed enough for him to employ this efficiently. Izaya filled a pan with water and placed it on the stove. Then he stood on tiptoe.  
>"Shizu-chan, can't reach."<br>"Sure."  
>Shizuo got him some meat that Izaya proceeded to slice in record time.<br>"Keep an eye on the water, tell me when it's boiling."  
>"Okay."<br>Shizuo was still a bit apprehensive. Izaya moved to carrots, then green peppers, then mushrooms and neatly turned them into thin bits. Shizuo watched in fascination. The assortment of ingredients was colorful in its variety and became even more so when Izaya added some purple cabbage to it.  
>"'Water's boiling.'"<br>Izaya tsked.  
>"Shizu-chan, I did tell you to watch it. Trust Celty-chan to save the day."<br>"Sorry…"  
>Izaya tossed all the cut pieces into the water and moved them around with a wooden spoon.<br>"Hmm…I wonder if I should add some sort of sauce for extra flavor?"  
>"Oh, how about curry powder?"<br>Celty shook her helmet. Izaya chuckled.  
>"Curry powder? I got to say, I'm glad that you did not handle the cooking."<br>"Bad idea?"  
>"Very much so."<br>As it turned out, Izaya decided that the broth as fine as it was and in no time they were eating it. Shizuo sampled the food with little confidence.  
>"Wow, this is actually pretty good!"<br>"You sound far too surprised."  
>The fabric of normality was thus pinned to the situation, covering up the gaping wound that went unhealed. In the background the television hummed. The news was on, Shizuo remembered thinking that the reporter had a certain air to her and he could swear he recognized the alley in front of which she now stood. Despite the crisscrossed yellow tape that blocked the narrow entrance. He prickled his ears.<br>"-are still in shock. The bodies have been identified as Orihara Mairu and Orihara Kururi. Authorities are saying that these murders are 'cruel and unusual'. According to an unofficial source the crime took place over a week ago but the dismembered bodies were preserved in a freezer of sorts for unknown reasons. There are still no suspects but the police vows to reassure all Tokyo citizens that they will mobilize all manpower in this investigation-"  
>Shizuo leapt out of the chair. The cicadas drowned the report. Izaya reached for a fat mushroom and nibbled.<br>"Ah, the police does not a stand a chance. This is beyond their league altogether."  
>"Izaya-"<br>"Tsk, it figures that Izaya would be terribly upset. It must have been so difficult for him to see it happen. Chop, chop, there goes a leg."  
>"You were there…?"<br>"Not in person. Someone emailed me the video. People do bleed a lot when they die. And they scream a lot, too."  
>Izaya spoke with easy neutrality. Shizuo felt cold all over.<br>"Why did this happen?"  
>"Ikebukuro has been becoming so dangerous as of late, has it not? And this would be just the right kind of thing to damage Izaya for life. Ah, I'm so jealous of him though. I'm sure his sisters thought the world of him. After all, it was his name they called out over and over again."<br>Nothing was normal here. To believe it otherwise might be the truest form of madness there was.


	17. Chapter 17

Shizuo closed his eyes and took a deep breath. He remembered that it was not the season for the cicadas to be this enraptured into croaking away their dull warnings.  
>"You know…who did this?"<br>Kanra shrugged.  
>"Not precisely. But it does not concern me so I don't really care all that much. After all, I am the only woman in Izaya's life. The others can just disappear."<br>Shizuo forced himself to think as Kanra nibbled on a particularly large mushroom.  
>"That video- do you still have it?"<br>"I deleted it."  
>Kanra dropped her girlish gait to become icily perceptive. It was with some effort that Shizuo brought himself to face red eyes that were far too cold.<br>"I've got to talk to Izaya. Now."  
>Kanra waltzed to the porch and into the backyard. Shizuo signaled Celty to keep away.<br>"I'll let you to speak to him. On one very simple condition."  
>The sun burnt brightly behind Kanra.<br>"What is it?"  
>"That you sleep with me."<br>"This isn't some sort of game! Two girls are dead!"  
>Kanra shrugged.<br>"What is that to me? And everything is a game."  
>Shizuo held Kanra's slender shoulder, almost shaking the lithe body that swayed so irresistibly.<br>"They weren't just any girls. Izaya loved his sisters."  
>"That's probably why they got killed, isn't it? He's morally responsible. And he knows it, too."<br>"Just give him back."  
>"I fully intend to return him to you. Just sleep with me, Shizu-chan."<br>A shiver ran down Shizuo's spine. If only the cicadas would at least grow silent.

Over the next couple of hours his phone rang almost nonstop. Acquaintances of Izaya that saw fit to ask him as to his whereabouts after seeing the news. Shizuo did not notice how ironic it was that everyone believed him to be the best chance when it came to locating Izaya. Soon the police would call as well. Before that, however, Shizuo talked to Kasuka. As ever it was a brief conversation. Partly because his little was so busy but mostly because none of them was good with speaking over the phone. With people that relied mostly on non-verbal communication the telephone remained a cumbersome obstacle more than an actual commodity. Shizuo was relieved that his sibling was doing fine and immediately felt guilt at this. Just imagining how it would be if something were to happen to Kasuka was enough to put an end to his peace of mind. So he had some idea of how it must have been for Izaya.  
>Shizuo turned off his cell and waited. Shinra arrived shortly after, a dazed look on his face that made him seem at least half his age.<br>"So this is why I couldn't contact them. I thought it strange that they didn't try to find him but this is just…"  
>Shizuo cleared his throat.<br>"According to Kanra they were alive when…"  
>Reluctant to even finish the sentence.<br>"It seems so. Someone is calling out Izaya, hence the public display."  
>"I liked the girls, Mairu and Kururi. That anyone could do something so horrible, it's just…I don't even know."<br>"It seems they were killed around the time Izaya dropped by my office."  
>"Poor Izaya. And poor girls, too."<br>Shizuo wiped a tear. He held a picture of the three Orihara siblings that he had found in Izaya's wallet. The three of them held absurdly big sundaes, the sister holding hands with their brother and all smiling widely. Often Shizuo had wondered if they were not a bit too close for blood related relatives but even if it was so it was undeniable that they had a great rapport. Over the years Shizuo had envied Izaya for being to able to talk to his sisters so easily while he always struggled with things to tell Kasuka. He no longer envied him.  
>"Have you considered Kanra's proposal?"<br>Shizuo shivered anew.  
>"No way. Just no way. She is creepy. I mean, really creepy. I'd rather sleep with Izaya than with <em>her<em>."  
>Shinra rubbed his chin, thoughtfully.<br>"We might not have a choice if we want to talk to Izaya…then again, do we really want that? He's blocked out this awful tragedy. I'm a doctor and even I am not looking forward to break the news to him."  
>Shizuo took a long look at the picture. Vanilla sundaes. A summer day. Probably last year. On the back, 'The Orihara trio!' penciled in Izaya's elegant handwriting and then signed by Orihara Izaya, Orihara Kururi, Orihara Mairu.<p> 


	18. Chapter 18

"I'll tell him. When it comes to that, I'll tell him. After all I was close to them. And I'll miss them. God."  
>"Are you sure?"<br>Shizuo nodded somberly.  
>"It has to be me."<br>He kept staring at the picture. Shizuo could almost see them forcing some poor bystander take the picture and then talk him into paying for the sundaes maybe even dragging him a bit all over the city in some crazy adventure or another. If there was one thing that could be said about the trio it was that they could convince people to go along with their odd ideas. Like getting the most serious of men, namely Heiwajima Shizuo, to put on a chicken suit and jump up and down in the middle of a square. His sisters' presence always brought out the best albeit the quirkiest aspects in Izaya. Their ideas of fun were never conventional, most of the times Shizuo could not even begin to comprehend the appeal – playing childish games in the middle of the bustle of Tokyo - but somehow once you were caught in the whirlpool of glee, you became infected by it.  
>Their lack of self-consciousness was absolute and very often Shizuo found himself tolerating Izaya so that he could experience the absurdity of the amazing Orihara trio. Only he would call them a triad of sorts, Shizuo suspected that the siblings were all involved in shady businesses but that simply because breaking the rules was a great private joke. They were the kind to laugh hysterically at heavy dramas and sob at comedies on occasion. The simplest of things entertained them for hours at length such as mimicking random people or dressing up in weird costumes.<br>Shizuo did not know of anyone who gave piggyback rides to adolescent sisters but Izaya did it all the time. And Shizuo had lost count of all the times Izaya's hordes of fans had come to him in tears because they had mistaken siblings for love interests. Izaya always found that hilarious and the more Shizuo protested that it was a horrible reputation to have, he was simply waved away with a "but Shizu-chan, it's funny!" that did not even contradict it.  
>He did not exactly know why the girls liked him so much but they were bent on following him around every now and then, at times they even fixed cooking for him. The food was always inedible. Once he had mustered enough courage to ask if it was really true that they slept in the same bed and instead of dismissing it, they had simply added that indeed they did because "brother's jacket is fluffy and he sleeps with it…and nothing else!". It was impossible to tell where the antics stopped and reality began but this Shizuo did know, every day Izaya ate horribly cooked bento that included man-shaped sausages since "brother loves humanity, whee!"<br>"Did you know them, Shinra?"  
>"They dropped by every now and then. To play nurse with Celty."<br>"So typical. I remember once they stole Kadota's hat, he nearly died. Izaya took the blame for it."  
>"And you didn't clarify it?"<br>"Hell no. Why did this have to happen?"  
>"I don't know. I'm not even sure I want to know."<br>Shizuo got up and took a deep breath.  
>"Either way, I'm getting Izaya back. And that's that."<p>

Of course it was easier said than done. They decided to stay in the country for the time being until things in Tokyo settled down. That night Shizuo went into Kanra's bedroom, standing on the threshold without going in. A mellow moon drowned everything in faded silver. It gave a strange glint to Kanra's red eyes.  
>"Shizu-chan, good evening."<br>"I'll cut straight to the point. I'm not sleeping with you. You're giving back Izaya on my terms."  
>Kanra crossed her arms.<br>"Oh? Or else what? You'll beat me up? That wouldn't be very good for Izaya."  
>Shizuo ignored the lilting tone altogether.<br>"You're not real, Kanra. You don't exist. You're just a figment of Izaya's imagination so you can't demand anything."  
>A raised eyebrow.<br>"Maybe it's the other way around. Perhaps Orihara Izaya just so happens to be a figment of my imagination."


	19. Chapter 19

Shizuo shivered once more.  
>"You're not making sense."<br>"Unlike Izaya? At least I can sign my own name. And I can write his, too. I don't spend hours being a pathetic excuse for a human being drawing kanji because I'm in lala land."  
>Kanra did away with all the smiling now. Shizuo was bent on keeping himself beyond her tactics. It was not easy.<br>"Izaya, I know that you can hear me. Doesn't matter if you're hurting, I'll be there for you. We'll go over every single kanji if need be. Just come back. There are people waiting for you, I'm waiting for you."  
>"A shame his dear sisters aren't going to join that parade."<br>"What do you think you can achieve by being such a bitch?"  
>"It's very simple. I just want to win."<br>"You want to defeat Izaya?"  
>"Not exactly. I want what he could never have. Did you know that he has been longing to touch you since the first time he laid eyes on you? What do you think all that slashing with his switchblade was all about? But being the coward that he is, he could never tell you."<br>Shizuo passed a hand through his hair.  
>"So you're after what, revenge?"<br>"That is precisely it. I've spent all my time in front of a computer screen. My life has been consigned to a chat room where Izaya saw fit to lock me. How about me? You're so sad over his sisters, at least they enjoyed plenty of good things. I didn't. So Shizu-chan, I'm stealing you from Izaya. Besides, what can you even do with him as he is now?"  
>"I can be there for him."<br>"So laudable of you. But I'm not handing him over that easily."  
>Shizuo produced the picture and showed it to Kanra, never breaking eye contact.<br>"Izaya, these are your sisters. Mairu and Kururi. They wouldn't want their brother to be taken over by a psychopath. Think about them. Together you are the Orihara trio."  
>Kanra flinched ever so slightly then smiled with pure malice.<br>"Oh well, I suppose you can have him. Have fun. I'll see in a while, trust me."  
>She blinked. Shizuo took a tentative step forward.<br>"Izaya…?"  
>"…headache. What is this place? Countryside…? What, could it be that there is actually more to Japan than Tokyo? I read about such place but to think that they actually exist!"<br>Shizuo hugged him tightly. He could recognize Izaya's unfunny sense of humor anywhere.  
>"Izaya, thank god. Thank god you're back."<br>"When did you turn religious? And what is that noise, cicadas?"  
>"Yeah."<br>"Someone get the bug spray."  
>"There's too many of them."<br>"Nasty. I don't suppose you're going to stop choking me any time soon?"  
>Regretfully Shizuo loosened his hold on him.<br>"Sorry."  
>"Okay…so what exactly is going on here? I must be having a very strange dream for you to be hugging me."<br>Shizuo patted his head.  
>"Something like that."<br>Izaya relapsed into thought.  
>"Hmm…if I'm dreaming then maybe I can do this."<br>He stepped on tiptoe to give him a chaste kiss that barely brushed the lips. Shizuo hesitated briefly before deepening the kiss.  
>"Do you love me?"<br>"Tsk, Shizu-chan. You're not supposed to know that. Who have you been talking to?"  
>"No one important."<br>Shizuo led him to bed and kissed him again with greater insistence.  
>"How are you feeling?"<br>"Like a blushing maiden about to get ravaged. Always wanted to say that."  
>Shizuo eased him on his back and touched him lightly through flimsy clothes. He kissed his mouth, deeply, out of a need to assert that Izaya was indeed here to receive these caresses. It took a lot of effort to let go of moist lips and not to give in into lust-glazed eyes.<br>"I'm sorry- this is wrong. What am I doing."  
>"Shizu-chan, backing off midway is too mean. Besides, this can't possibly be real. Since you hate me in reality. You know how it goes, 'Izaya-kun! I'll kill you! Don't you try to escape, you flea!'"<br>The imitation was exaggerated for effect. Shizuo cupped his cheek.  
>"I don't hate you."<br>"A romantic getaway with Shizu-chan, the one person I fantasized about all the time."  
>Shizuo closed Izaya's eyes with the tips of his fingers.<br>"You should just rest now."  
>"But I just woke up…woke up to a wonderful dream. Shizu-chan…won't you do it with me? Usually you're not disgusted at it, in my fantasies that is. So…please? Shizu-chan? "<p> 


	20. Chapter 20

The name tugged at Shizuo's heart. Izaya's smile was hopeful.  
>"Izaya-"<br>Looping arms around Shizuo, speaking in between kisses.  
>"Nothing is real, you aren't real, I'm not real, and so everything is fine. God's up in his heaven, all's well with the world."<br>Dreamy words tuned to a sweet lilt. Shizuo wished that Shinra would walk in on them and unhinge the spell but of course he had given instructions to be left alone with Izaya. Shizuo brushed fingertips down Izaya's chest, feeling it heave under the slightest of touches. He closed his eyes and leant his forehead against Izaya's.  
>"I can't do this. You're not well. It's-"<br>Izaya grabbing his hand almost forcefully got Shizuo to open his eyes.  
>"Shizu-chan, I can only do this when things are like this. I've wanted this for such a long, long time. Make me happy? I feel that I'll never be at all happy again. Just for tonight- make me happy."<br>Frailty trembled just beneath Shizuo. And that, more than anything, settled the deal for Shizuo was afraid that Izaya was indeed right. He licked his lips and clambered on top of him.  
>"I- I don't know how to do this."<br>Izaya was very warm as he sat up and brought their bodies together, expertly unpeeling clothes without breaking kissing.  
>"That's okay, Shizu-chan. Just go with the flow."<br>It was so much easier than Shizuo had ever believed possible. Heat pooled into him, quickening the pull between them and urging Shizuo to cover every bit of milky skin. Izaya sprawled himself as a naked invitation. Shizuo distinctively felt a keen bite of guilt as he became aroused by this willing display of passion. Izaya was all smooth curves and smoother surfaces, interrupted by telltale signs of excitement.  
>"Izaya, I'm not going to go all the way. You're still a bit hurt and-"<br>"I'm already completely broken. It does not matter anymore. And if you kill me afterwards, it'll be a great way to die."  
>"Hush, don't say such things."<br>"Maybe I've already died and this is…heaven? If Shizu-chan says that he loves me than it must be so. Or some sort of paradise, at any rate."  
>Shizuo kissed his way downward and rubbed him, adding lips and tongue. He wanted to provide pleasure of the non intrusive kind.<br>"That's good…Shizu-chan…but I want to feel you more."  
>Shizuo pressed against him, grinding as Izaya held on to him. Playing on the sweet friction that shot a fiery warmth through their blood. Shizuo kissed the corner of his mouth as Izaya reached his climax and rode it out in breathless ecstasy, toes curled, nails digging to the point of drawing blood, nerves overloaded by too much stimuli. Shizuo drank up the spectacle and toppled over shortly over. Izaya smiled in pure relaxation and scooped the thick whitish liquid that warmly covered his belly. He brought it to his lips.<br>"Shizu-chan, I love you."  
>Shizuo wiped him clean and kissed him, keeping slightly damp hair from covering smiling languorous eyes.<br>"I love you too."  
>Izaya giggled and rolled on his side, curling comfortably.<br>"You're just saying that because you feel sorry for me. It's okay. Even if I know that you're lying, I've longed to hear those words such a long time that just the sound is enough. Thank you. I know that I must be such a bother to you."  
>Shizuo got him to dress in a sleeping gown and lied next to him under clean, freshly pressed sheets.<br>"Nothing like that."  
>"Liar. Don't you like her better? Kanra-chan."<br>Izaya batted his eyelashes as one about to slip to a soft dreamy land. Shizuo got him to face him, half-afraid of his pliancy, the way Izaya was all scattered limbs.  
>"Listen to me, Izaya. I don't care about Kanra, it's you that I like- that I love. It's you, Orihara Izaya."<br>This was an exorcism of sorts. Izaya closed his eyes completely and traced fingertips on Shizuo's arm in a pattern that he recognized.  
>"Grade two, four strokes. I still know this one, it's very simple…but means a lot, doesn't it?"<br>"Yeah. Heart. And other things.[心]"  
>"I'm very tired…I wish I never had to wake up again."<p> 


	21. Chapter 21

"Does your head still hurt?"  
>It was, of course, an absurd question. Shizuo kicked himself inwardly.<br>"Not right now. But I know why it's been hurting so much. There's someone else in my head and she won't leave. It's like being haunted by…yourself as a ghost. The ghost in the mind, if you will."  
>Shizuo hugged him tightly.<br>"Don't let her come back, okay?"  
>"Those cuts, I made them myself didn't I?"<br>Shizuo was frightened by this calm lucidity.  
>"Yeah."<br>"I wonder why I'd do such a thing. But then again I'm sure I deserved it. Surely. Because I wasn't a good person when I was alive so I should suffer now that I'm dead. That's what they call…justice? Or perhaps destiny? Fate? Karma."  
>"Izaya, you're alive."<br>"No, I'm not. I'm dead, Mairu is dead, Kururi is dead. So we can all be together again. The Orihara trio."  
>Shizuo peered into his eyes and tried his very best not to let his anxiety show. He was suddenly terrified.<br>"You know what happened to your sisters?"  
>"I got them killed."<br>Izaya looked around as if he expected to find something.  
>"It's not your fault."<br>Shizuo watched with baited breath for an outburst, for Kanra to creep in back, for Izaya to break before his very eyes and told himself that he could handle it when it happened. Only nothing did happen.  
>"Izaya?"<br>Empty eyed silence.  
>"Hey, say something."<br>"How come you can see me? You're alive, I'm not. It's rather strange."  
>Shizuo held Izaya's hand and placed it over a narrow chest over the heart.<br>"You're alive, see? Can't you feel your pulse?"  
>Izaya shook his head and smiled softly.<br>"It doesn't matter. I cannot be alive in a world without my sisters."  
>And before Shizuo had a chance to deny this Izaya turned around and addressed and empty chair.<br>"So you went on a holiday? You should've told your brother! I was worried. Now, your tresses are undone. Let me do them for you, okay?"  
>Shizuo's fear escalated into sheer dread.<br>"Izaya? Who are you talking to?"  
>Izaya was on his feet, standing behind the chair and working his fingers in some sort of pattern that Shizuo recognized as weaving hair. It looked like some sort of conjurer's trick hanging in the moonlit air.<br>"Mairu, of course. Say hello to Shizu-chan. His little brother is that actor you like so much, Kasuka. I'll get Shizu-chan to give you a signed photograph. Maybe you can even meet him! Can you make that happen, Shizu-chan?"  
>Izaya beamed at him, all hope. Shizuo's heart got caught in his throat.<br>"Izaya…there's no one there. I'm so sorry, so very sorry, but your sisters are not here. They've passed away."  
>"What are you talking about? She's right here."<br>Izaya pulled another chair as if to invite someone to sit.  
>"Izaya-"<br>"Kururi, you should rest. It's getting late but I'll make an exception since this a holiday. Did your sister bully you much today? No? That's good. Want a massage?"  
>To Shizuo's absolute horror Izaya proceeded to stroke the air as if conducting a deaf orchestra.<br>"Izaya, can you see them…?"  
>"We want Shizu-chan to dress up as a chicken again! And flap about!"<br>Shizuo held him tightly. Izaya pushed him aside gently.  
>"Shizu-chan, there are minors in the room. I haven't told them about us."<br>"Your sisters aren't here. They're dead. I'm sorry but please, _please_ accept it."  
>"Perhaps the O-bon is earlier this year. With those bugs chanting away, it seems like August to me. How was it, you make a horse with some vegetable…the dead can come back for a while during this time, that's why you can see me. Neh?"<br>Shizuo was close to screaming. Celty knocking and walking into the room was the only thing that stopped him. He was sure that he was crying but he did not even feel the tears. Izaya jumped up and down and put on his typically bouncy display in order to convince Celty to remove the helmet because his sisters wanted to meet the headless rider. Shizuo waved at her and left to get Shinra.  
>"Shizu-chan, don't forget that signed photograph, okay? It's a great thing that your brother is alive and well. Sorry for putting up with me all this time, I know I've been a burden to you. I love you. We all do, it's an Orihara thing! Neh?"<p> 


	22. Chapter 22

Izaya smiled at his nonexistent sisters. Shizuo ran out of the room before he folded into a sobbing mess. The sound of the cicadas mingled with Izaya's joyous prattling.  
>Shizuo could not even properly tell Shinra anything when he found him. It took a few glasses of whiskey to steady him and even after that his misery was without end. Shinra was somber.<br>"It's a case of complete delusion. That he would hallucinate to the point of seeing and even touching his sisters…"  
>"Shinra- I don't even know- maybe it's best for him to just stay in his dreamscape where he can be with Mairu and Kururi."<br>Shinra did not argue. Shizuo wiped away his tears and forced himself to return to the bedroom. Izaya was lying down on his belly in the middle of bed, legs swinging in the air as he turned the pages of a book that he read out loud.  
>"'And then they lived happily ever after. The End.'"<br>Izaya tiptoed, tucked in his inexistent sisters before joining Shizuo at the threshold, closing the door behind him with great care.  
>"They're asleep now."<br>Shizuo realized that he had nothing to say, nothing he could say. Izaya hugged him and leant against his body in what Shizuo was beginning to see was Izaya's way of quietly asking for protection.  
>"Izaya-"<br>"Now that Kururi and Mairu are asleep I thought we could have some time to ourselves."  
>Izaya sounded rather embarrassed. Still, he took Shizuo's hand before looking around and frowning slightly.<br>"I don't seem to remember the layout of this place."  
>"Let's just go to my bedroom."<br>Shizuo decided this on impulse. He too wanted to talk in the privacy of just the two of them. Izaya gaped and stared intently as soon as he stepped in into the untidy room, avoiding the piles of clothes that littered the floor. Without a warning he flung himself in bed and crawled into the sheets, wrapping himself in them and smiling faintly.  
>"Hmm…Shizu-chan's room. Smells just like him."<br>"I should air it soon."  
>"No, no need for that. I like it."<br>Shizuo sat next to him.  
>"Want to sleep here tonight? As in, stay the night."<br>Izaya kissed him very softly.  
>"Thanks. I was hoping you'd let me stay but I'm afraid of being too forward. I'm not used to this kind of thing."<br>Izaya's smile was apologetic. Shizuo fluffed a pillow for him.  
>"It's okay."<br>"One more thing, these clothes…I don't like them much."  
>Izaya was still wearing Kanra's gender ambiguous outfit and Shizuo too did not like it on him. So he tossed Izaya one of his clean shirts.<br>"Wear that."  
>Izaya slipped into the shirt that reached all the way to his knees.<br>"So comfy. It must be difficult for you to find clothes that fit."  
>"Yeah. Kasuka gave me a bunch of bartender uniforms and I pretty much just wear those."<br>Izaya giggled and ran his hands down the fabric that was as a tent around him slim body.  
>"You look sexy in them, if you don't mind me saying so."<br>"Oh. Thanks."  
>It was a strange compliment, Shizuo felt it as much, but he could tell that it was not so with Izaya who hesitated to trust in this new depth of their relationship. Shizuo was painfully aware of the bitter irony in this: Izaya was so willing to believe in his delusions but afraid to accept that Shizuo's feelings were indeed real. Shizuo suspected that both these positions were simply Izaya's way of avoiding being further hurt. Izaya was shattered and instinct made him leave an escape route lest rejection caught him unawares.<br>"Little siblings are the best, aren't they? Especially when it comes to getting clothes. The twins gave me my favorite jacket. It was mostly Mairu but Kururi helped choose as well as pay from her allowance. And I love it all the more for that. The fur also helps, of course. It's so smooth. Speaking of which, where is it?"  
>"I think we left it back in Tokyo."<br>"Is that so? That's too bad. But then again it's getting too hot to wear it anyway."  
>"Right."<br>Izaya yawned and settled in bed more comfortably.  
>"You're sleepy as well, Shizu-chan? I don't like sleeping on my own, it's so lonely…"<br>Shizuo lied by his side, looking him in the eye as he collected Izaya into an embrace.  
>"It's alright. I'll stay with you. Always."<p> 


	23. Chapter 23

Shizuo struggled lest he broke down crying again. Izaya snuggled.  
>"I've never been to the countryside before. It might be nice to check it out…goodnight, Shizu-chan. You're so warm. Like a plushy."<br>Shizuo watched him sleep and kissed his forehead. He spent the rest of the night in a vigil of sorts as if to ward off pain from disturbing this peaceful slumber. The elemental injustice of it was struck him anew. That he should fall in love when Izaya was this damaged, that there was nothing he could do to fix this horrible mess. It did not occur to Shizuo that this love was too contaminated with pity to hold. But Shizuo, for all his brusque ways and lack of patience, had been changed by this entire experience. Perhaps it was simply a side of personality that circumstances had never allowed to reach the level of deeds or only at rare intervals and with disastrous results. Such as that time he had tried to help out that very nice milk lady only to end up injuring her instead. Izaya was so much more fragile, in his many shattered pieces, and Shizuo's role was to pick them up, one by one if necessary, and return them to their owner who might not even know they were missing at all.  
>Whatever there was to be salvaged.<p>

"Ninety eight, ninety nine, a hundred!"  
>Izaya reached the symbolic step, spread out his arms and turned around to enjoy the view. Shizuo was a few steps behind on the ancient grey staircase that climbed the woody hill all the way to a red <em>torii<em> gate that stood out flashily against a star studded sky.  
>"Shizu-chan, you can see forever from here. And we're not even at the top!"<br>Shizuo smiled at Izaya's elation. A warm breeze brushed the simple yet elegant sleeves of his _yukata_ and set alive the peaceful pattern of white silhouettes that were cranes embroiled in dark blue. Shizuo had never seen Izaya in traditional clothes. Against all odds they befit him as did the sandals and the plastic bag where two goldfish swam in slow circles. Izaya's wounds had healed enough to allow him to wear such an outfit and he had insisted that he wanted to go to this early festival. The spirit of summer was already in the air even if the solstice was still not upon them. This far above the jarring music faded into a faded melody that was harmonious in its vagueness, mingled as it was with the sounds of nature. After entertaining his sisters at the many booths Izaya decided to send them back home with Shinra so that he could climb all the two hundred steps with Shizuo.  
>"Yeah. Still halfway."<br>Izaya skipped upward again, his sandals a staccato beating on the large flagstones between which tuffs of grass sprouted.  
>"A hundred and one, a hundred and two, a hundred and three,"<br>"Izaya, be careful. These are slippery."  
>"It's okay, Shizu-chan. We got to hurry if we're going to catch the fireworks."<br>"Sure but don't go falling now."  
>Izaya's boundless energy normally was put into parkour maneuvers that were impressive but Shizuo had never paid much attention to these, mostly because he was too busy chasing Izaya, but he could now see just how graceful Izaya's movements were as he hopped from step to step. Effortlessly. As if the cranes were about to carry him into the blossom scented heights and away.<br>"A hundred and four, a hundred and five, a hundred and-"  
>A flutter of pinkish butterflies flew in front of Izaya and sent him off his rhythm. Surprise caused him to step back and before he knew what was happening he was falling. Izaya closed his eyes, already anticipating pain, but strong arms cushioned him as Shizuo easily caught.<br>"I told you to be careful. Are you okay?"  
>Izaya struggled to disentangle himself.<br>"The fish!"  
>They gasped desperately, having been knocked out of the water and straight unto the steps, golden fins flapping as if to aid the useless suction of their mouths. Izaya picked them up, carefully, and looked around.<br>"Shizu-chan, they'll die!"  
>Shizuo remembered that he had a bottle of water that he used to fill the bag. Izaya replaced the tiny bits of extinguishing life to their aquatic environment and watched with baited breath and worry. The fish resumed their swimming as if nothing had happened.<p> 


	24. Chapter 24

Perhaps their memory had already expired as it was said of fish. But Izaya was still shaking a bit and softly crying.  
>"Hey, they'll be fine."<br>"It's so stupid, they're just fish but- but I can't bear to have anyone or anything ever die on me again."  
>Shizuo winced. He wondered if he looked as old as he felt. This time with Izaya was an eternity of pain made of discontinuities that only added to this feeling of so much time spent under the dark pale.<br>"See, the fish are just fine. We'll go home and put them in an aquarium."  
>Shizuo was already looking into some jobs around this area and considering just settling here with Izaya. The idea of going back to Tokyo, with its towering concrete towers and harsh neon light, was odious. Money was not much of an issue since Shinra could help, life was cheaper in the country too and at any rate Izaya's accounts with their wise investments could easily last for the rest of their lives. Somehow it seemed very natural to be thinking in such long terms. It was sad, very sad, because it implied defeat but it was hopeful in a way that Shizuo could not quite pin down. Partially it was that the fact that it assumed that there would be those moments of Izaya clarity that Shizuo treasured so much but part of it was still undefined. He took the fish and smiled at Izaya.<br>It occurred to him that a sexual liaison with Izaya was all shades of wrong. It was not the first time that this became evident, theirs was too often a relationship of father figure/child to possibly slide into physical intimacy without it raising many issues, but Shizuo realized now how difficult it was not to efface the lines. Because Izaya's attachment was a relic from former days and a proof that something of him did remain. And on a practical level it soothed and made Izaya happy. Shizuo was willing to break a taboo or two for the sake of that alone.  
>"You know, Shizu-chan…today I could not quite see my sisters at all times. I'd glance away for a sec and they would be gone. I have to think really hard in order to see them. If I don't they become see through and then disappear. That can only mean that they're not really there at all, right?"<br>Shizuo almost denied it. Almost. He tilted Izaya's chin so that he could lift his eyes from the grey flagstone.  
>"Izaya, listen to me, okay? Mairu and Kururi aren't here anymore. It's not your fault. You can let go of them. I'm sure that's what they'd want."<br>Izaya nodded. Very calmly.  
>"I thought that might be it. But does this mean that maybe you are dead too? Shizu-chan- maybe if I don't think you up and try so hard to keep concentrating on your image, on the thought of you, then maybe you'll disappear as well-"<br>Shizuo kissed him.  
>"I won't disappear. I told you that already. So just believe me, okay?"<br>Izaya's hands balled into fists as his body trembled, wrecked by violent sobs. The crane beating its wings against some tortuous cage.  
>"Mairu has a teddy bear that she sleeps with. I gave it to her. She won't admit it to anyone but I know it's a favorite of hers. Kururi does not speak much but she keeps a journal that we're not supposed to know about. They're real people and I want- if I stop just know- I can fool myself into believing that they're- here- with me but that's insulting them. Because those Orihara sisters I've been with aren't Kururi and Mairu."<br>Shizuo could not look away from the naked sorrow in tear-flooded eyes. He collected Izaya into his arms.  
>"I'm sure they want you to go on with your life and that they are watching you from above."<br>"Big brothers are supposed to protect their siblings. It's not just a cliché to me. Why did they have to die instead of me? Why? It's not fair. It's not fair. It's not- fair."  
>"Tell you what, Izaya. I'll help you write their names on those paper lanterns that we saw on TV and sent them down the stream."<br>"I want my jacket. It's cold. I want it back because it's a gift to remember them by- but I don't want to just _remember_!"  
>Izaya's voiced edged closer to hysteria.<p> 


	25. Chapter 25

"I know. I know."  
>"What the hell do you know! Your Kasuka is fine and alive back in Tokyo, probably being his usual dull self that doesn't even appreciate life at all- my sisters loved life- why does he get to go on being bored all the time and <em>Kururi and Mairu had to die<em>? Why don't you answer me that!"  
>Shizuo did not hold it against him. Not because he was being patronizing but because he knew that all this anger was simply pent up frustration.<br>"It's not fair that anyone should die, Izaya."  
>"You don't know anything. Their screams, Shizu-chan- their <em>screams<em> just went on and on. There was so much blood and all I could do- as Kanra- was watch and listen. They called out my name over and over again. I- or Kanra- tried to trace it because- it was a live feed- and if I hurried, but do you have any idea of many people there are in Tokyo! And so many computers, I could not narrow it down, I just couldn't, not even down to the zip code. That was how I killed them."  
>Shizuo shook him forcibly.<br>"You didn't kill your sisters, Izaya. If they could hear you now they'd say as much."  
>"But they can't hear anything. The noises I've been hearing in my dreams are just echoes. And I know why I went to Shinra and later asked for you. I wanted Shinra to save them- piece them together- and I wanted you to do what you always do and that is beat me within an inch of my life but this time getting it right."<br>Izaya placed his hands over Shizuo's and guided them around his slender neck.  
>"What are you doing, Izaya!"<br>"Just squeeze a bit. You're so strong, it'll be easy. Just think of it a fish that didn't make it to the water."  
>"Izaya, stop. You know I'm not going to do that. I want you alive, I <em>need<em> you alive."  
>Somehow, insanity or whatever it was, turned Izaya's hands into talons so that Shizuo could not pull back. Izaya smiled sweetly.<br>"Shizu-chan, you won't even get into troubles. There is no one around. You just have to crush my windpipe and toss the body into the woods. It'll take ages for anyone to find it and you'll be long gone in Tokyo by that time."  
>Shizuo managed to pry his hands away.<br>"Please don't say that. If- if you have no other reason to live then- then do it for me. Please, Izaya."  
>Fireworks exploded above them. Seeding the nighttime sky with blossoms of light, flourishes of gold, red, purple. The thunderous sound muffled Izaya's wailings as he half cried half screamed as the full consciousness of grief hit him. There was nothing that Shizuo could say. And as if it so often happened, the best option was to hold him tightly. As the world cheered overhead.<p>

"I'm sorry for saying what I did about Kasuka."  
>"It's okay. I know you didn't mean it."<br>They were walking up the stairs, Izaya on Shizuo's back and firmly holding the fish in a lucid grip. Passing the gate they veered to the streamlet that raced downhill and away from the crowds. Shizuo bought the lanterns. Izaya prickled a finger with his teeth and needed no help to write his sisters' names in blood, his calligraphy elegant and drawn in sweeping strokes.  
>"I need a third one."<br>"What for?"  
>"To write my name."<br>Shizuo touched him very lightly.  
>"Izaya, you're alive."<br>"But a part of me is dead. The part that will wait for Kururi and Mairu to come back from school, the part that will watch cheesy movies with them, the part that will go on crazy antics with my sisters. I can't mourn what I don't acknowledge."  
>Shizuo nodded and took him by the hand to get not one but two more lanterns.<br>"Shizu-chan?"  
>"I'll write my name too, then. Because the part of me that threw vending machines at you is dead."<br>Izaya sent the lanterns down the whispering stream and set the fish free into their running waters. He knelt on the grassy bank and united his hands, eyes closed.  
>"Mairu, Kururi, Onii-chan has to say goodbye now. One day I'll meet you again. I hope. But for now I have to go. Please forgive me for everything. My mind is not right, it slips from me and keeps breaking, but I'll cling to my memories of us. I don't really want to go on. But I am sure that's what you'd want me to do. So to do you justice- as you deserve- I'll try- my best. It sounds so clichéd."<p> 


	26. Chapter 26

Izaya took a deep breath to steady himself.  
>"But you see, 'my best' is rather shoddy. I can't figure out things all that well. At times, I am not even sure of who I am. It's all so confusing but somehow I'll have to push through. Because I'm your big brother, Orihara Izaya. I'll probably get confused again- somewhere along the way- but at least I am not alone. Shizu-chan will help me. So you don't have to worry. Please be at peace. I love you both, Kururi, Mairu. Bye now."<br>Izaya waved. His hand slowly parting the shade as he knew that this was the last time he saw this simulacrum of his sisters who stood on the other side of the stream and waved back at him. Before turning back and disappeared into the woods. It was a long time until Izaya left this spot where his tears wetted the rich earth.

Shizuo carried him down the stairs, all two thousand. Izaya was a very light burden. He felt as if he held in his arms a bird with broken but healing wings, perhaps the white crane itself. The silence was only interrupted by Shizuo's slow steps against the stone as he took his time that he knew Izaya required. It was as if they were alone on this Earth under the blind courts of stars above. A gentle breeze scattered about the scent of flowers blooming in the dark.  
>"It never gets this dark in Tokyo."<br>"Yeah. Too many neons."  
>"Shizu-chan, I don't think I want to go back to Tokyo. It's just- too much for me."<br>The grinding pressure of the city could only unravel him further.  
>"That's okay. I thought that you'd feel that way so I already made plans. I'll stay here with you."<br>Izaya blinked and tilted his head up to better see Shizuo.  
>"You thought ahead? That's rare."<br>"Thought I'd give country life a go."  
>"Heh…Shizu-chan? Thank you."<br>"No need to thank me."

Back in the house there was only one thing to do. Shizuo knew that it was so. He undressed Izaya without hurrying, undoing the _yukata_ until it pooled at his ankles that Shizuo noted were slender. As was his entire body, like delicate silver. Shizuo kissed him and asked him if it would be alright to do this. As a reply he got a nod and a very faint smile. He brushed his fingers along the smooth lines of flesh.  
>"You really are beautiful, Izaya."<br>"It's a bit weird when you say that."  
>"Sorry…"<br>Izaya sat next to Shizuo, very comfortable in his nakedness.  
>"It's okay. I just don't know why you want to do this with me. It's because you feel sorry for me but- if there is more to it…I mean, even if there isn't, I still want it but- I'm not making much sense."<br>Izaya smiled apologetically. Shizuo cupped his cheek, a gesture that they knew was reassuring.  
>"Pity doesn't have anything to do with this, Izaya. When I said that I loved you I meant it."<br>Izaya's hands were folded on his lap without hiding the great frailty that was so unassuming.  
>"Even if you say that, Shizu-chan…what's there to love? Lately there is nothing I can do right. You've been carrying me this whole time, literally and otherwise. Even if I'm like this I can tell that you're in pain."<br>Shizuo held him closely.  
>"Don't worry too much about it. Lovers share the good and the bad, right?"<br>"Lovers…?"  
>Shizuo placed him on his knee where he sat as an unstrung puppet.<br>"Isn't that what you want? For us to become lovers?"  
>Izaya frowned a bit and rubbed his forehead.<br>"Of course it is. I've been in love with you for such a long time. But is that what you want? I don't want to burden you with…with this hole that I feel inside. It's not fair to you, Shizu-chan. If you stay with me…I can't pay you for all you've done for me so if you decide to stay with me as a lover, the debt I owe you will only grow-"  
>"I've already decided. So if you'll have me, Izaya, we'll be together."<br>Izaya kissed him. The initiative was his as he did away with Shizuo's clothes and brought their naked bodies together. Shizuo handed over control to Izaya and marveled at how small as he was, he still could so easily take the reins. There was no need for further words. Shizuo would never be able to ask how Izaya had gained the experience to be so smooth about it. Maybe it did not even matter.


	27. Chapter 27

Effortlessly, Izaya moved up and down, back arched as he worked up a swinging motion and gave himself into it. Shizuo merely watched and let Izaya's rhythm sweep the two of them into a haze of flesh on flesh, heat drawn out to the surface of their skin, jolts of pleasure well coordinated. Shizuo did not restrain his movements but touched him through it all. Reassuring that they were both here.  
>Afterwards Izaya curled on his side.<br>"If you change your mind…Shizu-chan, if you change your mind- I won't be able to take it."  
>The fear of rejection returned. Shizuo was aware that Izaya was placing himself fully in his care. There were no mixed feelings about it, for once. Shizuo accepted this responsibility very willingly.<br>"I won't. Change my mind, it is."  
>Izaya was silent for a while. Shizuo assumed that he was drifting away to sleep.<br>"I can hear my thoughts better here. They're still jumbled but they're clearer. I need to find out what is real and what isn't. I hope that this at least is indeed real."  
>"It is."<br>Shizuo stroked his hair.  
>"Is it fair for me to be at least a bit happy? Is it fair…? Shouldn't I atone instead?"<br>Pulling him in closer. Shizuo kissed him softly.  
>"Just live your life as you like. That's what your sisters would want for you."<br>Shizuo repeated it because he knew that it was necessary. Repetition was a tool to build a safe basis on which Izaya could rest when inner storms wrecked him. For a while Izaya wept silently, unburdening himself of guilt. Eventually he fell asleep and Shizuo could tell that he was at peace. A sweet scent of jasmine flitted through the open window on the warm breeze. Shizuo held him throughout the night.

Shinra opposed it vehemently. Professional reasons were issued against it to no avail and so he went beyond his doctor role to argue emotionally: Izaya was too unstable to be in any romantic relationship, Shizuo was confusing mercy with love, this tie once firmed could not possibly be dissolved without drastic consequences to Izaya. At length he adjusted his glasses and added,  
>"This isn't like a marriage. There's no divorce here unless you're willing to destroy him. This is more like taking in a child. And a very disarranged one at that."<br>Shizuo nodded.  
>"I know all that."<br>Shinra removed his glasses and rubbed the bridge of his nose.  
>"I'll be completely honest. As a physician I can't give my approval. A sexual involvement is a bad idea with patients like Izaya. It's a recipe for disaster."<br>"Not if I stay by his side."  
>Shinra sighed in defeat.<br>"If you're serious about this and it seems that you are then I can only hope that my suspicious are unfounded."  
>"I won't let anyone put him in some hospital where they won't take care of him properly. I may not be too smart but I've learnt a thing or two about handling Izaya."<br>"I suppose he is getting better. But I'm leaving Celty behind for a trial period."  
>"Thanks."<p>

The fields were vibrant in green. They spread out in all directions under a cloudless blue sky that was crystal until it reached the horizon where it became a vague hazy color that had no name. Izaya lied in the tall grass that cushioned him so comfortably. Insect songs chirped near him and birds filled the air with their songs above. He breathed in the scents of the earth that were familiar by now. Izaya arranged his thoughts into a quiet stream of events upon which he reflected and arranged. It was part of his daily routine. Heavy steps on the porch alerted him.  
>"Shizu-chan, you're back!"<br>Shizuo waved and joined him in the micro jungle of what was now their backyard. August was in full bloom. Against all odds they had settled easily into living together as a couple. Izaya did not venture far from the house alone but together with Shizuo he gladly explored the backstreets and rustic spots where he found beauty in the simplest of things. A firefly hovering in suspended flight, dew strewn honeysuckle. He snapped photographs of these discoveries that were a source of joy to him.


	28. Chapter 28

There were good and bad days. On bad days Izaya hardly spoke and often locked himself in a dark room where he wept silently as he rocked back and forth. He had crises when he doubted the reality of his surroundings and others where he shunned all things and whispered his sisters' names over and over. When this happened Shizuo stayed with him. Being together was all he could do and soon enough he realized that it was that could be done. Izaya's attitude in the morning was an indicator as to how the day would unfold. Listless on bad days and chirpy on good days.  
>And these were nothing short of glorious, the good days. Izaya was very much his old self with plenty of snarky remarks and that malicious glee that was so characteristic. But he was tempered by a certain new sensibility that made him smile sweetly more often and to hold Shizuo's hand when no one was looking. Which was not to say he was not still rather wily. Izaya had spun a completely fictitious story to the villagers about how he was the heir of a yakuza clan that was currently engaged in some sort of dispute in Osaka (and he faked an accent brilliantly) and that Shizuo was his bodyguard, both of them being in the country to keep a low profile. As unlikely as it was, Izaya's glib and natural charm convinced everyone.<br>And Shizuo knew that pretty much every girl in town was vying for Izaya's affection. He had lost count of how many times he had been asked if Izaya was single. It was rather annoying. But they led a very private life for the most part. Izaya had found a lovely tiny sushi family restaurant that served very acceptable ootoro and dining here every other day was about the only source for socializing (apart from Shinra and Celty's frequent visits) but still he had managed to learn virtually all that was to know about the clients and by extension the whole village. The clientele had doubled with Izaya's patronage and the shop owner had taken him as an occasional apprentice so that Izaya could learn all more about his favorite food ever. Most of the new clients were girls that went to the restaurant more to drool at Izaya than to enjoy the food.  
>"I brought you a vanilla cone."<br>"Thanks!"  
>Izaya licked it, tongue darting out to scoop the cold sweetness. Shizuo studied him. Longer hair, it made him look like Kasuka, so much so that there were times during sex when Shizuo experienced a very odd feeling that fortunately did not last long. Loose kimonos at home, dark colors, minimal patterns.<br>"We got dinner fixed for us again."  
>In the summer night arrived late and was mild for it was infused with starlight. They often ate at the porch to enjoy the nightly spectacle. There was no need to cook because everyday some girl or another dropped them full course meals, all packed with Izaya's favorites.<br>"Schrödinger! Say hello to Shizu-chan. Nya."  
>Izaya picked up a small black kitty and held fluffy paws to make him wave. He had found him just a few days ago, abandoned by the riverside and meowing weakly. Izaya had given him plenty of milk and in no time the cat was part of the household. Schrödinger, name chosen by Izaya ("I must call him Schrödinger! There's just no other possible option!") for reasons that Shizuo did not understand, liked to nap on Izaya's chest as they swung on the net between two old trees, a jigsaw of shadow and light checkering both cat and human in the same colors.<br>"I was forgetting, I also got this wind chime."  
>Shizuo handed it over to Izaya who turned it in his hands, turning the glass to the sun. The house had little of their personal objects, Shizuo did not have any apart from photo albums that he shipped from Tokyo and Izaya had only retrieved his jacket (that he wore in the wee hours of dawn when it was cold enough to put on), his own photos and his laptop. Pictures of the Orihara Trio were framed in the bedside table. The sisters' most treasured things were placed in strategic places. Little by little Shizuo was filling the space with new things even if they were just trinkets.<br>"Pretty neat. What did you do today?"  
>"Lawn mowing."<br>"Sounds _extraordinarily_ interesting."


	29. Chapter 29

Shizuo chuckled. The sarcasm was appreciated. He did odd jobs around town and had managed not to get fired. Yet, at least. It seemed that in the country physical labor was valued in a way that it was not in the big city. Shizuo liked that quite a lot. And there could never be a boring moment when he came back home to Izaya.  
>"It's not too bad."<br>"Want some of this?"  
>Shizuo took a bite.<br>"Tastes better when it's hot like this."  
>Izaya folded his legs.<br>"Tastes better when I'm hot like this, you mean! Heh, horrible line all around, I know."  
>"Heh, yeah. But also true."<br>Izaya laid a cold vanilla flavored kiss on his lips. Then looked around, a look of uncertainty creeping into his eyes.  
>"Shizu-chan, you can see that butterfly, right?"<br>It was not uncommon for Izaya to ask about what was real.  
>"Sure. Orange with bits of white and black."<br>Izaya relaxed.  
>"The cat may be alive or dead. The cat can also be alive <em>and<em> dead. Maybe you need to be insane to understand quantum implications. And I'm not the sanest person ever, Shizu-chan. To put it very mildly."  
>That Izaya could be this jovial about it was very telling.<br>"Want to have dinner? We can have a late meal after to check out the stars."  
>"About that! Wait here."<br>Izaya skipped away and returned shortly carrying a telescope, speaking as he set it down.  
>"I ordered it online. I love the internet! It arrived today. We can use it tonight."<br>Shizuo helped him work the legs of Izaya's brand new toy.  
>"I'll go heat up the food."<br>"I want to write to my sisters first."  
>Shizuo never read these letters but he knew that Izaya wrote them religiously. One for each twin, everyday. At first Shizuo had been very afraid that madness was returning but asking about it told him that Izaya was aware that they could not read these. It was an exercise on working through the dark toll of grief that Shizuo knew would never fade completely. Seeing girls about Mairu and Kururi's age was enough to bring him to tears and a shadow flitted through him. A week prior some Yagiri Namie and her underlings had been found butchered in some Tokyo alley in a most gruesome way. The police announced strong evidence linking her to the double murder of the Orihara siblings. It happened after three days of Izaya parked in front of his laptop and typing away into the early hours of the morning. Shizuo suspected that there was a connection. In fact, he was almost sure. But just like Izaya's sexual history it was something that he would never ask about.<br>After that the bad days became few and far in between. Izaya was gradually becoming more self aware and that spurred his natural interest for all things that crossed his path. From farming habits to local folklore.  
>Izaya now went back indoors and settled next to him on the grass, writing. Shizuo knew that this was too private for him to ask about. He was glad that Izaya could write. It was an important landmark. Izaya showed his implicit trust in him by making sure that he wrote by his side. There was probably other correspondence than just this, missives that Izaya painfully penned down on bad days, tear stained paper dissolving the ink into blurs.<br>"All done, Shizu-chan. So what did they make us this time?"  
>"Shrimp salad with all sorts of extra stuff."<br>"That's best served cold, I think."  
>"Looks tasty."<br>Izaya set the table on the table porch. Shizuo kept all knives locked in a cabinet but he had strong reasons to believe that it was an unnecessary precaution.  
>"Dig in, Shizu-chan. There's strawberry juice. I made it myself."<br>Domesticity weaved a pleasurable web around them. Nothing short of miraculous, nothing more than normal. According to Izaya Kanra was with his sisters, perhaps as a projection of sorts that watched over them. It was one less thing to worry about, Shizuo thought.  
>Izaya ate with appetite and served Shizuo with glass after glass of the refreshing drink. He fed Schrödinger some sardines and prattled on about no peculiar subject. Shizuo enjoyed these calm moments of simply listening to Izaya's conversation. As he did what followed. Slow love making just as the stars began to glow through the darkening sky.<br>Izaya adjusted the telescope and urged Shizuo to take a peek.


	30. Chapter 30

"Wow, real pretty."  
>"Isn't it? Did you know that the light you're seeing comes mostly from stars that are already dead?"<br>"Really?"  
>"Yes. What reaches us is the light that is still travelling through space. I wonder if it is like that with people as well. If something remains of them even after they are gone."<br>"I'm sure it is."  
>Izaya had put on the jacket and wore nothing else. His smile was sad.<br>"But we can't be sure. If the stars I see are the same as the stars you see or if I am just imagining them."  
>Shizuo wrapped an arm around him. Izaya was still warm from sex.<br>"Then we'll go through them all and confirm, I guess."  
>"That would take a lifetime."<br>"Fine by me."  
>Thoughtful silence.<br>"You know, Mairu and Kururi thought that you were too good for me."  
>It was with some difficulty that Izaya shifted to the past tense when speaking about his sisters.<br>"They'd be happy to see us together, I think."  
>"Not too sure about that. But I'd like to think so. I really would. Say, Shizu-chan…if I get you a chicken suit do you suppose you could wear it and flap about some?"<br>"If you like."  
>"Yay."<br>Izaya smiled beautifully. Shizuo kissed him.  
>"Want to go the beach one of these days?"<br>Izaya seemed to consider it.  
>"Hmm…you just want to see me prance about almost naked. I'm all for."<br>This playfulness was a good sign that their relationship was progressing. At first Izaya had been very coy and even shy, asking permission to do as much as kiss and acting not too confident about his status as a lover. As a result he adopted a kind of modesty that was ill-suited to someone as Izaya and it was only by degrees that it gave way to this bubbly attitude.  
>"Heh, there's that too. Just thought it'd be fun."<br>"I bet! You're swimming as well, Shizu-chan. Just so you know."  
>"Okay."<br>"And now it is time for…a tickling attack!"  
>Izaya jumped on him and proceeded to tickle Shizuo to the ground.<br>"Izaya- stop!"  
>"No way. I'm having fun here!"<br>Izaya laughed as if he was the one being tickled. They rolled around until they became entangled limbs. The transition from playing to fondling was a natural one. Shizuo and Izaya relished this exchange of touches. Accepting vulnerability. Building a complex network of mutual trust. This was the possible happiness allotted to them by whatever gods there were or by some blind chance. Surrounded by fearful dangers they drew a circle of safety within which Izaya could breathe outside the crushing pressure that threatened to blot him out of existence.  
>"Shizu-chan…"<br>"Sleepy?"  
>"Yes…"<br>Shizuo carried him to the bed they shared. Izaya could not sleep alone at night without the comfort of Shizuo's warm body close to him like a living shelter.  
>"Sing me a lullaby!"<br>Shizuo blinked.  
>"I don't know any."<br>"Then hum something."  
>Shizuo tried. Izaya giggled.<br>"That was dreadful."  
>"I can't sing."<br>"That's okay. There's always tomorrow. Until there isn't. But even if I know that it is a delusion I'll believe that there'll always be a tomorrow where you're there with me."  
>Shizuo smiled as he watched sleep claim him. A familiar sight by now but not any less moving. The future was by its very nature unpredictable. Izaya could relapse. But whatever may happen Shizuo knew that he would be there for Izaya, for whatever remained of Izaya, even if it was only to tend to this brokenness. Such reflections abandoned him presently. Because for the time being Izaya was calmly breathing in and out with a faint smile on his full lips. And everything felt right.<br>"See you tomorrow, Izaya."

**The End**


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